THE ANNUAL NFL CHRISTMAS PLAY

Scene 1:

Terrell Owens celebrated his 35th birthday on Sunday with a loss to the Pittsburg Steelers. But despite the loss, the Cowboys still made sure to celebrate their star's special day. Here is what transpired:


(Scene: The locker room. Owens' teammates gather around his locker and hand him a wrapped package.)


Owens: "Thank you for remembering my birthday, guys."
Romo: "No problem, buddy. We all chipped in. We think you'll like it."

(Shakes box. Holds it to his ear.)

Owens: "Hmm ... it seems light. I don't have a clue. I guess I'll just open it."

(Opens the package. Pulls out a paper containing that says, 8-5.)

Owens: "I don't get it. What is it?"
Witten: "That's our record dumb a$$! Look how far down we are compared to last year. That's terrible! We might not even make the playoffs. And it was all to make you happy!"
Owens: "Oh, my ... this ... this ...(sniff...sniff)... this is the greatest gift ever. Thank you, guys. Thank you so much."


Scene 2:




This past week, Plaxico Burress pleaded not guilty to gun possession, and firing an unlicensed weapon. Before the arraignment, Plaxico met with Al Sharpton to discuss strategy:

Al: So let me get this straight, you shot yourself with your own gun?
Plax: Yea, I think I'm in some deep doo doo this time.
Al: I got it! We'll just say this is another example of the white man always blaming the black man every time a gun goes off.
Plax: But Al, I was the one who shot myself
Al: Then we'll say this is just black on black crime exploited by the government to make the Black man look stupid..
Plax: Dude, it WAS stupid. I shot myself.
Al: Then we'll end it with, "Plaxico is well educated, well behaved, and was well dressed on that night so he was obviously a target." I mean, it's not like you were wearing sweat pants and slippers right? (laughs heartily)
Plax: (looks down slowly) Uh, yea, I was.
Al: YOU'RE SCREWED! Not even Obama can save you now.




HORRIBLE FANTASY TEAM THAT CRUSHED YOURS LAST WEEK

Seneca Wallace, QB, Seahawks -- 20-for-28, 212 yards, 3 touchdowns, 47 rushing yards
Darren Sproles, RB, Chargers -- 64 total yards, 2 touchdowns
Tashard Choice, RB, Cowboys -- 166 total yards
Deion Branch, WR, Seahawks -- 4 catches, 88 yards, 2 touchdowns
Bryant Johnson, WR, 49ers -- 6 catches, 49 yards, 1 touchdown
Anthony Fasano, TE, Dolphins -- 3 catches, 36 yards, 1 touchdown

NFL TEAMS ARE GIVING THANKS

With Thanksgiving upon us, here is a list of a few NFL teams and the wonderful things they have to be thankful for:



DETROIT LIONS - Will be giving thanks for the season only being 16 games long. If this was Baseball, the Lions could be looking at a 0-162 record. By the way, the Lions are still giving thanks about Matt Millen not being there.





KANSAS CITY CHIEFS - Will be giving thanks for Larry Johnson being banned from interacting with any female ever again. The Chiefs are also thankful that they are NOT the Raiders.




PHILADELPHIA EAGLES - Will be giving thanks to any one of their quarterbacks that can hit an open receiver. Preferably one that doesn't play for the other team.




DALLAS COWBOYS - Will be giving thanks to the medical staff who worked on Romo's pinky. There hasn't been that much medical attention in Dallas since J.R. Ewing got shot. The Cowboys are also thankful that Pacman Jones has been hand-cuffed and chained in Jerry Jones' basement the past 4 weeks.




ATLANTA FALCONS - Will be giving thanks to the Federal Penal system for allowing Michael Vick to plead guilty and come back to the team early. However, the Falcons are not thankful that the Westminster Dog Show will be moving to Atlanta this year.




OAKLAND RAIDERS - Will be giving thanks for San Fransicso 49ers, the San Fransisco Giants, and the Oakland A's. Because without these teams, the Raiders would be the only sucky team in the bay area.

NFL WRAP-UP WEEK 10

DANTE'S INFERNO
Dante Culpepper returned as the starting QB for the Detroit Lions. It didn't help. The Lions lost 38-14. After the game, Dante said the Lions suck so bad, he doesn't even think they could beat Devry. Dante also said the huddle was in total disarray. He said he's never tried to call a play in the huddle while guys where playing pictionary and connect 4.



CADILLAC OUT OF THE SHOP
Cadillac Williams has been activated by the Buccaneers for their game this weekend. Cadillac says he can't wait to get on the field and get hurt again. Right after saying that, Cadillac fell off the podium and tore his ACL.




TATUM BELL STEALS A 2ND CHANCE WITH BRONCOS
The Denver Broncos have re-signed RB Tatum Bell due to injuries in the backfield. Tatum Bell was cut earlier by the Lions and charged with stealing newly acquired RB Rudi Johnson's luggage on the way out. This led to Bell's new nickname in the locker room, Tatum "Winona Ryder" Bell.




MATT HASSEL-is-BACK
Seattle Seahawks QB Matt Hasselback has announced he will make his first start in six weeks this weekend against the Cardinals. "Hasselback is starting? WOOOO HOOOOO!!!," said the Cardinals.




MARC BULGER RETURNS
The Rams announced QB Marc Bulger will start this weekend against the 49ers despite his recent struggles. "Bulger is starting? WOOOO HOOOOO!!!," said the 49ers.




HORRIBLE FANTASY TEAM THAT DESTROYED YOURS


Brady Quinn, QB, Browns -- 23-for-35, 239 yards, 2 TDs

BenJarvus Green-Ellis, RB, Patriots -- 26 carries, 105 yards, TD

Kevin Smith, RB, Lions -- 123 total yards, TD

Mark Bradley, WR, Chiefs -- 9 catches, 81 yards, TD

Malcom Floyd, WR, Chargers -- 4 catches, 76 yards, TD

Dustin Keller, TE, Jets -- 6 catches, 107 yards, TD

THE NFL WRAP

T.O SOUNDS OFF
After the Cowboys loss last Sunday, Terrell Owens said, "You know, I'm just gonna play with whomever is back there at quarterback. If you can come back there and quarterback, hey -- I'll play with you." That's right, T.O. will play with anyone back there at Quarterback....unless your name is Donovan McNabb or Jeff Garcia. Then, he'll just call you lazy and gay.




RAIDERS RELEASE HALL
Due to their 2-6 start, the Oakland Raiders have released their biggest off-season acquisition CB DeAngelo Hall. When contacted, Hall told reporters, "I am very upset.......that it took the Raiders this long. Hell, I've been missing tackles on purpose for 8 weeks trying to get the hell out of here!"



OH THOSE SUCKY RAIDERS
Speaking of the Raiders, Oakland rakced up a negative 2 yards in the first half last week and ended the game with 77 yards total. To put this in perspective, Sen. John McCain gained more yards running away from President Bush during the election than the Raiders gained the entire game.




MATT JONES SET TO APPEAL
Matt Jones, WR with the Jaguars, is appealing his 3 game suspension after a felony conviction came down on him for cocain use. The NFL said they had to suspend Jones because at every game, the groundscrew had to keep redoing the field due to Jones sniffing up all the white lines.



HERM EDWARDS GIVES APPLAUSE
Kansas City Chiefs Coach Herm Edwards applauded the victory by newly President-Elect Barack Obama saying "this is a great day in American history." Edwards then proceeded to offer Obama a multi-year contract to play quarterback for the team. Edwards said he contemplated sending a similar offer to Gov. Palin to play running back, but figured he already had enough women at that position.





HORRIBLE FANTASY FOOTBALL TEAM THAT DESTROYED YOURS LAST WEEK

Gus Frerotte, QB, Vikings -- 11-for-18, 182 yards, 3 TD, 1 INT

Peyton Hillis, RB, Broncos -- 116 receiving yards, 1 TD

Cedric Benson, RB, Bengals -- 24 carries, 104 yards, 1 TD

Michael Jenkins, WR, Falcons -- 2 catches, 64 yards, 2 TD

Koren Robinson, WR, Seahawks -- 4 catches, 105 yards, 1 TD

Brent Celek, TE, Eagles -- 6 catches, 131 yards





BEST FANTASY FOOTBALL TEAM....EVER!!!

TOP 10 THINGS JERRY JONES CAN DO TO TURN SEASON AROUND

With the Cowboys most recent loss to the Rams of all teams, Jerry Jones needs to make some tough decisions about the future of his team. So in order to assist him with this endeavor, I put together a few things that Jerry can do to right this ship.

Top 10 Things Jerry Jones Can Do To Turn This Season Around:

- Increase offseason Pinkie conditioning.

- Acquire another Roy Williams.

- Take Wade Phillips out for a "Dinner on the Lake" with his business partners Vinnie and Guido.

- Be more like Al Davis by only wearing 1970's sweat suits and Blue Blockers Sun Glasses.

- Overpay even more players who only average 5 plays a game.

- Start recruiting even more recently released felons (I hear Michael Vick will be getting out soon).

- Start rumors that Wade Phillips is really Dave Campo because they are never in the room at the same time.

- Bring back Jimmie Johnson, Barry Switzer, Bill Parcels, and Dave Wanstadt to play Defensive Backs.

- Have even more plastic surgery so no one knows if you are mad as hell or just surprised all the time.

NFL - WEEK 6 GAMES DOWN TO THE WIRE

In Week 6, five games were decided in the final minutes with dramatic endings for the first time in NFL history. Let's recap the excitement:



TEXANS 29, DOLPHINS 28
What a final play! It was so exciting, they kept showing Matt Schaub's quarterback keeper over and over in slow motion. The funny thing is they didn't even need to use the slow-motion technology. Hell, My grandmother can run faster than Shaub and he doesn't have any legs.




VIKINGS 12, LIONS 10
If you aren't excited to see a 12-10 Vikings-Lions game end, you don't love good football. This game featured Lions' QB Dan Orlovsky running out the back of the endzone as if he were playing pop warner. Wait, that would be a slap in the face of all pop warner players. Even kids know you don't run on that big shiney white line thingy called "out of bounds."





RAMS 19, REDSKINS 17
As his winning kick flew through the uprights, Rams kicker Josh Brown celebrated by pointing to the name on the back of his jersey. Which led all the Redskins' players to point to the Rams record.




FALCONS 22, BEARS 20
The Bears showed once again it IS possible to lose a game in the last 11 seconds. To say the Bears gave this one away is an understatement. The Bears ran away from this victory faster than McCain is running away from President Bush.




CARDINALS 30, COWBOYS 24
This was the first game in NFL history to end with a blocked punt returned for a touchdown. The only thing this game didn't have was Pacman Jones getting drunk and punching out a referee. Although there are reports that Pacman's water bottle smelled alot like a Long Island Ice Tea. Tony Romo was sacked more times than groceries. And the Cowboys special teams was about as successful as Michael Jackson out on a date with an ADULT!


All in All, this was one freaky Week 6 for the NFL

Top 5 Things Pac-Man's Bodyguard Said to Start the Fight

According to reports, authorities say Dallas Cowboys' DB Adam "Pac-Man" Jones got into a brief scuffle with the bodyguard that was assigned to him by the team at a private event Tuesday night at a Dallas hotel. What was shocking to most people was the incident didn't happen in a strip club.

One bystander said, "If that bodyguard had been wearing a thong and some clear heels, I don't think he woulda made it out alive."


This got me thinking. What could that bodyguard have possibly said to set of the usually mild mannered even tempered Pac-Man Jones. Well, here is my list of the Top 5 Things Pac-Man's Bodyguard said to start the fight:

5) "Hey Pacman, you're not that good of a corner back. Hell, you couldn't cover me if I was just a torso."

4) "Pacman, Al Davis called. He said come try out for the Raiders. They're a little low on felons right now."

3) "Pacman, OJ Simpson said he saw your last performance and gives it 2 knives down."

2) "Pacman, that stripper in Vegas said you hit like a girl. She said she's been hit harder by a crumpled up dollar bill"

1) "Pacman, your teeth are so messed up it looks like your tongue is in jail. Seriously, your teeth are so messed up every time you bite into a sandwich you spell the word 'TOUCHDOWN'"


NOW THEMS FIGHTIN WORDS!!!!!

T.O. Tries To Get Into Heaven.

At the post-game press conference, Terrell Owens, in a weird display of emotion said, "God used me today for his glory. Reality is where glory resides. That's all I've got to say." That is unfortunate. Because I have no idea what you are saying. And now, confusion is where I reside.

This got me thinking, if players thank God every time they win a game or a match, do they also thank God when they lose? I mean, can you imagine the losing boxer at a press conference? “First of all, I would like to give all glory and honor to God for allowing my face to receive my opponent’s vicious blows. Through God’s teachings, I learned to turn the other cheek so that now, both sides of my face are swollen. I’d also like to thank God for giving my opponent the strength to lay his healing hands on my rib cage. There were moments in the fight where I asked God for courage and instead, he blessed me with unconsciousness from a left hook. And just like Jesus, I was awakened and rose 3 days later at the hospital. So again, all praises and glory to God Almighty.”

I’m just saying, I’m tired of athletes ONLY invoking God’s name when they win. It’s time to be fair and give God ALL the credit He deserves!!!

And The Next Coach Of The Raiders Is......

Al Davis came out of his cocoon yesterday to finally drop the hammer on Lane Kiffin. So it is now official. Lane Kiffin is no longer the head coach of the Oakland Raiders. It would take a very special kind of person to be the next head coach for the Raiders so here are a few suggestions:

- OJ SIMPSON - I hear he's very "hands on." He'll bring in plays to help slice up the defense. If someone takes the ball, he'll just go steal it back. If his players can't sack the QB, he'll just have them kidnap him. After practice he'll never be too far away. He'll be the one driving real slow on the highway. To liven up the crowd, he'll bring in Kato Kalin to be the team mascot. All in all, I'm sure OJ wouldn't mind taking a stab at it.

Signature Play : The Double Reverse Homicide.

- PARIS HILTON - She's on parole so she fits right in with the Raiders. She can teach the running backs how to hold onto balls. She has a lot of experience being a wide receiver.

Signature Play: The Down and Out...and In...and Out...and In.

- MICHAEL JACKSON - Like Al Davis, he would show up to work in his pajamas. His pre-game speeches would be memorable, "C'mon guys, let's get out there and win...shuh-mone!! Let's kick their asses...eeee heeee!! Let's do it for Al... mama-say-mama-saw-moomah-koo-sah!!" All touchdown celebrations would be the dance from "Thriller." He would personally sponsor the "Punt, Pass, and Kick" games for the Raiders kids.

Signature Play: The Statutory of Liberty.


- JOHN McCAIN - The only person living who is older than Al Davis so there is automatic respect. He can speak to the players about how he played against John Adams at the Continental Congress Picnic. If the Raiders ever suffer a financial crisis, he'll just suspend the season until Al gets the money right. On Monday, he'll say the fundamentals of his team are strong. Then on Tuesday he'll say it's the worst team he's ever coached. But, he'll pick a hot MILF who knows nothing about football to be his assistant coach.

Signature Play: Any play which leads the defense in one direction, the stops on a dime, and takes a complete 180 turn in the opposite direction.


- BARACK OBAMA - To make the team not feel so bad about losing, he would take them out bowling to show them what losing really looks like. If the season gets too bad, he'll just bring in Oprah to fire up the troops. "Look under your seats gentlemen. Superbowl Rings. You've gotta ring...and you've gotta ring..." No need for a team chaplain. He'll bring in Rev. Wright. The players would be confused as hell after a Rev Wright speech. They would be like, "what the hell does 'whitey keepin the black man down' have to do with the Broncos?"

Signature Play: The Hail "Yes We Can" Mary.

So there you have it. Very qualified, very viable options to be the next head coach for the Oakland Raiders.

STAND-UP SPORTS

SHOCKING UPSET
Oregon State upset the Number 1 ranked USC Trojans 27-21 on Thursday night. Things got so bad for the Trojans in the 4th quarter, they put in a call to Congress and asked for a bail-out plan of their own.



THE NFL HAS SPOKEN
NFL said Thursday it found no evidence of the Browns trying to intentionally hurt Baltimore Ravens RB Willis McGahee. The league did however rule the Browns tried to intentionally lose every game so far this season.



GOLDEN STATE INJURY
Golden State Warrior guard Monta Ellis severely sprained his ankle while riding a moped this week. The Warriors said they won't fine Ellis for injuring himself in a non-basketball incident but they will fine him based upon the the clause in his contract called the "Real men don't ride mopeds" clause.



THE MILLEN MAN MARCH OUTTA TOWN
The Detroit Lions have fired GM Matt Millen after amassing a team record of 31-84 since 2001. Which happens to be the worst record in the NFL for that time period. In fact, the only thing lower than the Lions' winning percentage is President Bush's approval rating.

In a related story, a new report out states that kids learn more and become smarter by being on a losing team, rather than a winning team. If this was the case, the Detroit Lion's players should all be Rhodes Scholars.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOUR BOSS WAS AL DAVIS???

I'm sure we have all experienced that boss from hell a time or two in the past. So here is your chance to let THE SPORTS FANATICS know what you would do if AL DAVIS was your boss and we'll read it on the air. And while you think about that, here are a few inspirational words from some A-Hole bosses we all aspire to be like:



- The Boss said in a meeting, "We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done".


- Quote from the Boss... "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you."


- A motivational sign in the Bosses office: "The beatings will continue until morale improves."


- A direct quote from the Boss: "We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired."


- My Boss said to me " What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier."


- Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution: " I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!"


- HR Manager to job candidate "I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions."


- Quote from telephone inquiry "We're only hiring one summer intern this year and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss' daughter finishes her summer classes."



WHAT WOULD I DO?
I suggest a blanket party. Wait for good ole AL to walk around the corner, throw a blanket over his head, and beat the crap out of him with a sock full of nickles.
:-)

Let me know over @ KnowHuddle.com. Click on "The Sports Fanatic."

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My column is now appearing in USATODAY!!!! Check the Dallas Cowboys section.

According to sources, GM of the Detroit Lions, Matt Millen, has finally been fired. After years of ineptitude the inevitable has happened. And to show there true appreciation for such a genius of a man, Detroit Lions fans were kind enough to supply me with photos of their endearing love for the one, the only, Matt Millen.




















The beginning of the MILLEN MAN MARCH.



Someone actually pee pee'd this into the snow.


It's a sad day when a Cincinati Bengal feels sorry for you.

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THE DOLPHINS TAKE THE PATRIOTS TO THE WOODSHED
Ronnie Brown scored a team-record four touchdowns rushing and threw for another -- with four of the scores coming on direct snaps to the running back -- as Miami shocked New England 38-13 Sunday. Fans booed the Patriots. Many left early. The record winning streak of their favorite team was ending with a stunning domination by the lowly Dolphins.

Many Pats fans may think their world is now over but I assure you, there are things much worse than getting blown out by the pitiful Dolphins. Let’s take a look shall we:

Things are much worse for:

- O.J. SIMPSON – Entering his second big trial in a decade, experts say OJ will most definitely get some jail time. Whether it’s trying out his new set of Ginsu knives or meeting up with old friends in Las Vegas, things are not going to well for The Juice. You know it’s bad when during jury selection, the only way to get an unbiased jury was to wake up 12 people who were previously in a coma for the past 10 years. But hey, at least he didn’t kill a dog. Which brings me to my next one…

- MICHAEL VICK - Sentenced to 22 months in jail for dog fighting and killing the losers, Vick is enjoying one of the state’s most prestigious facilities. Or as Vick calls it, "extended spring training." If prison is anything like the movies, Vick is playing a lot more defense these days guarding his A gap.

- MIKE TYSON – The once great heavyweight champion of the world is now relegated to fighting hotel guests at a Las Vegas casino. Tyson said, "The best part of this experience is the all you can eat buffets, even though the seafood still doesn’t taste as good as Evander Holyfield." Tyson went on to say he doesn’t want anyone feeling sorry for him because most of his opponents now put up more of a fight than Michael Spinks.

- VINCE YOUNG & TARVARIS JACKSON – Both QB’s had promising futures and now they both find themselves on the bench. Young with an injured knee, and Jackson with an injured pride. To make matters worse, both QB’s moms played the role of Jerry McGuire the past few weeks telling the coaches and fans, "Don’t boo my baby. He’s sensitive and could cry." Not to worry, even though it looks like both will be out of the league in a few years, Young & Jackson should have a promising future leading the 2nd shift team at McDonalds to the coveted "Most Big Macs Sold" plaque.

- OAKLAND RAIDERS, KANSAS CITY CHIEFS, DETROIT LIONS, and ST.LOUIS RAMS. - Need I say more?


So don’t worry Pats fans. Things could always be worse!

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TEXAS-STYLE SHOOT OUT
The T.O.-Donovan McNabb drama took a backseat to thrilling football on Monday night as The Cowboys edged the Eagles 41-37. Romo said the major key to victory was the fact Jessica Simpson was in another state.

According to reports, last week, TO was ordered to pay back a portion of the Eagles salary through payroll deduction. But based on the new tax laws, TO will get a special "LOVE ME SOME ME" tax exemption.

Here's how you know you've had too much plastic surgery. In the 4th quarter, after Marion Barber scored the go ahead touchdown, the camera pans over to an elated Jerry Jones. In the midst of all the celebration in the stands AND my house, my four year old son looks at the Jerry, then looks at me and says, "Daddy, why doesn't that man's skin fit right?" I laughed so hard, I immediately gave him a 10 cent raise in his allowance.



REFEREEING THE REFEREE
Ed Hochuli's acknowledgement that he erred on a call late in Sunday's San Diego Chargers-Denver Broncos game will mean lower grades for one of the NFL's highest-profile referees. Did anyone else notice how yoked Hochuli is? He is huge. The NFL needs to start testing referees for steroids. That dude couldn't even raise his arms to signal a touchdown. The last flag he threw ended up in the 7th row.



JUST WIN BABY! AND YOU'LL STILL GET FIRED.
Reports surfaced in the Contra Costa Times over the weekend that owner Al Davis wanted to fire his coach Lane Kiffin because Davis felt some critical comments Kiffin made constituted disrespect. What? Disrespect? If anything, Al Davis should be fired for disrespecting the '70's with those sweat suits and gold chain.



BRONCO-MANIA
Many kids in the Denver area are now sporting their Broncos gear loud and proud. But as of yet, no one has gone to the barber begging for that new and stylish "Jay Cutler hairdo."



FAVRE FROM GOOD
The Patriots got out of New Jersey with a much needed win on Sunday not because they played well, but because the only open receiver Brett Favre seemed to be able to hit was the turf.



SINKING SHIP
Vikings QB Tarvaris Jackson, on losing to the Colts, "You can get mad, throw a chair, whatever. It really doesn't matter. We've just got to go out there and execute." Yea Tarvaris, go ahead and throw that chair. Because based on your performances so far, you wouldn't hit anyone with that chair anyway. At this point, you couldn't hit the broadside of a barn with a hand full of skittles.


LAWYER NEEDS A LAWYER
Atlanta Falcon DB Lawyer Milloy was arrested for DUI and crashing his truck into a tree on Sunday night. Unfortunately for the Falcons, that tree was the ONLY thing Milloy hit on Sunday.