Al Davis came out of his cocoon yesterday to finally drop the hammer on Lane Kiffin. So it is now official. Lane Kiffin is no longer the head coach of the Oakland Raiders. It would take a very special kind of person to be the next head coach for the Raiders so here are a few suggestions:
- OJ SIMPSON - I hear he's very "hands on." He'll bring in plays to help slice up the defense. If someone takes the ball, he'll just go steal it back. If his players can't sack the QB, he'll just have them kidnap him. After practice he'll never be too far away. He'll be the one driving real slow on the highway. To liven up the crowd, he'll bring in Kato Kalin to be the team mascot. All in all, I'm sure OJ wouldn't mind taking a stab at it.
Signature Play : The Double Reverse Homicide.
- PARIS HILTON - She's on parole so she fits right in with the Raiders. She can teach the running backs how to hold onto balls. She has a lot of experience being a wide receiver.
Signature Play: The Down and Out...and In...and Out...and In.
- MICHAEL JACKSON - Like Al Davis, he would show up to work in his pajamas. His pre-game speeches would be memorable, "C'mon guys, let's get out there and win...shuh-mone!! Let's kick their asses...eeee heeee!! Let's do it for Al... mama-say-mama-saw-moomah-koo-sah!!" All touchdown celebrations would be the dance from "Thriller." He would personally sponsor the "Punt, Pass, and Kick" games for the Raiders kids.
Signature Play: The Statutory of Liberty.
- JOHN McCAIN - The only person living who is older than Al Davis so there is automatic respect. He can speak to the players about how he played against John Adams at the Continental Congress Picnic. If the Raiders ever suffer a financial crisis, he'll just suspend the season until Al gets the money right. On Monday, he'll say the fundamentals of his team are strong. Then on Tuesday he'll say it's the worst team he's ever coached. But, he'll pick a hot MILF who knows nothing about football to be his assistant coach.
Signature Play: Any play which leads the defense in one direction, the stops on a dime, and takes a complete 180 turn in the opposite direction.
- BARACK OBAMA - To make the team not feel so bad about losing, he would take them out bowling to show them what losing really looks like. If the season gets too bad, he'll just bring in Oprah to fire up the troops. "Look under your seats gentlemen. Superbowl Rings. You've gotta ring...and you've gotta ring..." No need for a team chaplain. He'll bring in Rev. Wright. The players would be confused as hell after a Rev Wright speech. They would be like, "what the hell does 'whitey keepin the black man down' have to do with the Broncos?"
Signature Play: The Hail "Yes We Can" Mary.
So there you have it. Very qualified, very viable options to be the next head coach for the Oakland Raiders.
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