STAND-UP SPORTS

SHOCKING UPSET
Oregon State upset the Number 1 ranked USC Trojans 27-21 on Thursday night. Things got so bad for the Trojans in the 4th quarter, they put in a call to Congress and asked for a bail-out plan of their own.



THE NFL HAS SPOKEN
NFL said Thursday it found no evidence of the Browns trying to intentionally hurt Baltimore Ravens RB Willis McGahee. The league did however rule the Browns tried to intentionally lose every game so far this season.



GOLDEN STATE INJURY
Golden State Warrior guard Monta Ellis severely sprained his ankle while riding a moped this week. The Warriors said they won't fine Ellis for injuring himself in a non-basketball incident but they will fine him based upon the the clause in his contract called the "Real men don't ride mopeds" clause.



THE MILLEN MAN MARCH OUTTA TOWN
The Detroit Lions have fired GM Matt Millen after amassing a team record of 31-84 since 2001. Which happens to be the worst record in the NFL for that time period. In fact, the only thing lower than the Lions' winning percentage is President Bush's approval rating.

In a related story, a new report out states that kids learn more and become smarter by being on a losing team, rather than a winning team. If this was the case, the Detroit Lion's players should all be Rhodes Scholars.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOUR BOSS WAS AL DAVIS???

I'm sure we have all experienced that boss from hell a time or two in the past. So here is your chance to let THE SPORTS FANATICS know what you would do if AL DAVIS was your boss and we'll read it on the air. And while you think about that, here are a few inspirational words from some A-Hole bosses we all aspire to be like:



- The Boss said in a meeting, "We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done".


- Quote from the Boss... "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you."


- A motivational sign in the Bosses office: "The beatings will continue until morale improves."


- A direct quote from the Boss: "We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired."


- My Boss said to me " What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier."


- Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution: " I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!"


- HR Manager to job candidate "I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions."


- Quote from telephone inquiry "We're only hiring one summer intern this year and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss' daughter finishes her summer classes."



WHAT WOULD I DO?
I suggest a blanket party. Wait for good ole AL to walk around the corner, throw a blanket over his head, and beat the crap out of him with a sock full of nickles.
:-)

Let me know over @ KnowHuddle.com. Click on "The Sports Fanatic."

For Comments & Forums, Check Out My Column @ KnowHuddle.com!

My column is now appearing in USATODAY!!!! Check the Dallas Cowboys section.

According to sources, GM of the Detroit Lions, Matt Millen, has finally been fired. After years of ineptitude the inevitable has happened. And to show there true appreciation for such a genius of a man, Detroit Lions fans were kind enough to supply me with photos of their endearing love for the one, the only, Matt Millen.




















The beginning of the MILLEN MAN MARCH.



Someone actually pee pee'd this into the snow.


It's a sad day when a Cincinati Bengal feels sorry for you.

For Comments & Forums, Check Out My Column @ KnowHuddle.com!

THE DOLPHINS TAKE THE PATRIOTS TO THE WOODSHED
Ronnie Brown scored a team-record four touchdowns rushing and threw for another -- with four of the scores coming on direct snaps to the running back -- as Miami shocked New England 38-13 Sunday. Fans booed the Patriots. Many left early. The record winning streak of their favorite team was ending with a stunning domination by the lowly Dolphins.

Many Pats fans may think their world is now over but I assure you, there are things much worse than getting blown out by the pitiful Dolphins. Let’s take a look shall we:

Things are much worse for:

- O.J. SIMPSON – Entering his second big trial in a decade, experts say OJ will most definitely get some jail time. Whether it’s trying out his new set of Ginsu knives or meeting up with old friends in Las Vegas, things are not going to well for The Juice. You know it’s bad when during jury selection, the only way to get an unbiased jury was to wake up 12 people who were previously in a coma for the past 10 years. But hey, at least he didn’t kill a dog. Which brings me to my next one…

- MICHAEL VICK - Sentenced to 22 months in jail for dog fighting and killing the losers, Vick is enjoying one of the state’s most prestigious facilities. Or as Vick calls it, "extended spring training." If prison is anything like the movies, Vick is playing a lot more defense these days guarding his A gap.

- MIKE TYSON – The once great heavyweight champion of the world is now relegated to fighting hotel guests at a Las Vegas casino. Tyson said, "The best part of this experience is the all you can eat buffets, even though the seafood still doesn’t taste as good as Evander Holyfield." Tyson went on to say he doesn’t want anyone feeling sorry for him because most of his opponents now put up more of a fight than Michael Spinks.

- VINCE YOUNG & TARVARIS JACKSON – Both QB’s had promising futures and now they both find themselves on the bench. Young with an injured knee, and Jackson with an injured pride. To make matters worse, both QB’s moms played the role of Jerry McGuire the past few weeks telling the coaches and fans, "Don’t boo my baby. He’s sensitive and could cry." Not to worry, even though it looks like both will be out of the league in a few years, Young & Jackson should have a promising future leading the 2nd shift team at McDonalds to the coveted "Most Big Macs Sold" plaque.

- OAKLAND RAIDERS, KANSAS CITY CHIEFS, DETROIT LIONS, and ST.LOUIS RAMS. - Need I say more?


So don’t worry Pats fans. Things could always be worse!

For Comments & Forums, Check Out My Column @ KnowHuddle.com!

TEXAS-STYLE SHOOT OUT
The T.O.-Donovan McNabb drama took a backseat to thrilling football on Monday night as The Cowboys edged the Eagles 41-37. Romo said the major key to victory was the fact Jessica Simpson was in another state.

According to reports, last week, TO was ordered to pay back a portion of the Eagles salary through payroll deduction. But based on the new tax laws, TO will get a special "LOVE ME SOME ME" tax exemption.

Here's how you know you've had too much plastic surgery. In the 4th quarter, after Marion Barber scored the go ahead touchdown, the camera pans over to an elated Jerry Jones. In the midst of all the celebration in the stands AND my house, my four year old son looks at the Jerry, then looks at me and says, "Daddy, why doesn't that man's skin fit right?" I laughed so hard, I immediately gave him a 10 cent raise in his allowance.



REFEREEING THE REFEREE
Ed Hochuli's acknowledgement that he erred on a call late in Sunday's San Diego Chargers-Denver Broncos game will mean lower grades for one of the NFL's highest-profile referees. Did anyone else notice how yoked Hochuli is? He is huge. The NFL needs to start testing referees for steroids. That dude couldn't even raise his arms to signal a touchdown. The last flag he threw ended up in the 7th row.



JUST WIN BABY! AND YOU'LL STILL GET FIRED.
Reports surfaced in the Contra Costa Times over the weekend that owner Al Davis wanted to fire his coach Lane Kiffin because Davis felt some critical comments Kiffin made constituted disrespect. What? Disrespect? If anything, Al Davis should be fired for disrespecting the '70's with those sweat suits and gold chain.



BRONCO-MANIA
Many kids in the Denver area are now sporting their Broncos gear loud and proud. But as of yet, no one has gone to the barber begging for that new and stylish "Jay Cutler hairdo."



FAVRE FROM GOOD
The Patriots got out of New Jersey with a much needed win on Sunday not because they played well, but because the only open receiver Brett Favre seemed to be able to hit was the turf.



SINKING SHIP
Vikings QB Tarvaris Jackson, on losing to the Colts, "You can get mad, throw a chair, whatever. It really doesn't matter. We've just got to go out there and execute." Yea Tarvaris, go ahead and throw that chair. Because based on your performances so far, you wouldn't hit anyone with that chair anyway. At this point, you couldn't hit the broadside of a barn with a hand full of skittles.


LAWYER NEEDS A LAWYER
Atlanta Falcon DB Lawyer Milloy was arrested for DUI and crashing his truck into a tree on Sunday night. Unfortunately for the Falcons, that tree was the ONLY thing Milloy hit on Sunday.

NOTE THE TITLE CHANGE! It's ALL about SPORTS now! For More NFL Humor, Check Out My Column @ KnowHuddle.com!

USC OPENS A CAN
It was a beat down of epic proportions as USC whooped Ohio State 35-3 in the Collision at the Colliseum. There hasn't been a beating that bad since Ike and Tina Turner.


The AP Top 25 Poll came out yesterday with USC holding down the number 1 spot. Ohio State dropped down to number 13 prompting many experts to say they haven’t seen anyone fall this fast since Mike Tyson fought Michael Spinx.





CASSELL TAKES 1ST STEP
Matt Cassel takes over for Tom Brady this weekend. Matt is known as the unproven, untested, no experienced back up. In other words, he’s the “Sarah Palin” of the Patriots.





FAVRE WHO??
Aaron Rodgers threw 3 TD’s as the Packers blew out the Lions 48-25. Rodgers was very ecstatic after the game until someone reminded him that it was ONLY the Lions.





T.O. STILL TALKING
T.O. is continuing to talk about the damaged relationship between himself and Donovan McNabb. This is reminds me of a bad break-up after two people have been dating awhile. When one person doesn’t understand the relationship is really over until the restraining order shows up.




CHARLIE WEISS SUFFERS INJURY
Notre Dame Coach Charlie Wiess was on crutches after he blew out his ACL and MCL during a 35-17 victory against Michigan . This is nothing new as the Notre Dame football program has been on crutches for the last few years.

NOTE THE TITLE CHANGE! It's ALL about SPORTS now! For More NFL Humor, Check Out My Column @ KnowHuddle.com!

VINCE YOUNG'S MAMA SHOULD JUST PUT ON PADS AND PLAY FOR HIM
The mother of Tennessee Titans quarterback Vince Young said he's "hurting inside and out" and indicated he might not want to play football any longer.
Felicia Young said in Wednesday editions of “The Tennessean” that her son is tired of all of the negativity he's faced after being booed during a 17-10 win Sunday over Jacksonville.

Ok, I have a few issues with this. Doesn’t this remind of when you got beat up in school and your mom had to come to the playground and thoroughly thrash the bully for you? No? Well, maybe that was just my mom. I know what Vince is going through. The last time I left the house for hours on end without telling anyone, my mom immediately called a press conference and told everyone listening that I was a little down because I got booed off the stage during my eighth grade talent show. GIVE ME A BREAK!

Vince is a grown man so why is mommy dearest speaking up for him? I mean, does she still tuck him in at night while he’s wearing his little jammies with the feeties attached? Does she feed him while making those airplane sounds? Does she put baby powder on his happy bits after he takes a bath with his brothers?

Look, Vince Young needs to take a trip to the Wizard of Oz and get a heart and some courage. Michael Jordan got booed every time he stepped into Madison Square Garden. Emmitt Smith got booed every time he played in RFK. Barry Bonds got booed…uh…um…EVERYWHERE!!! Dude, put down the Tickle Me Elmo, Man Up, and be the football player you’re supposed to be.

SPORT COURT Question: Should we cut Vince Young and Agent Mommy some slack? Let me know over @ KnowHuddle.com




TONY ROMO IS GOOD TO GO
Tony Romo said his chin hurt really bad but is fine now after a few stitches. When asked how bad the pain was, Romo said, "The only pain worse than this was having to listen to a Jessica Simpson album."



THE RAIDERS ARE STILL THE RAIDERS
The Oakland Raiders got thoroughly spanked in their home opener 41-14 by the Denver Broncos. Which leads to the question, what do the Raiders and marijuana have in common? They both get smoked...repeatedly!




ALEX SMITH OUT FOR THE SEASON
The 49ers released a statement saying QB Alex Smith has a broken shoulder and will be out the rest of the season. The funny thing is, with Smith not taking one snap this year, he will STILL have better numbers than he had last year.



GRIESE GETS THE START
Brian Griese was named the starter for the Bucaneers this weekend as they are set to take on the Falcons. After hearing this, the Falcons corner backs immediately picked up themselves in their fantasy football leagues.

NOTE THE TITLE CHANGE! It's ALL about SPORTS now! For More NFL Humor, Check Out My Column @ KnowHuddle.com!

THE COWBOYS WILL CRUSH THE EAGLES
Many of you may think the Eagles have a chance of pulling off a HUGE upset this Monday night, but I am going to lay out the reasons why the Eagles have less of a chance to win than a piece of cake around Oprah.


The Eagles will lose BIG to the Cowboys because:

1) T.O. hasn't tried to overdose in over a year and has promised not to call Romo gay....again. Also, he only dropped 7 passes in practice which means he is focused big time.

2) Pac-Man Jones has not frequented a strip club in over a week just so he could focus on this game. So unless McNabb puts on a thong, and starts grinding on the football, Pac-Man will be on top of his game.

3) Wade Phillips has vowed not to wear his pants up around his neck anymore. Geeesh! This dude might as well put sleeves on his pants as high as he pulls them up.

4) Jerry Jones just had more plastic surgery assuring he will have a permanent smile throughout the game. Just because Jones looks like the Joker in the new Batman movie, doesn't mean he cares any less about his team.

6) The Eagles are now shopping for receivers at Sams Club. The new team motto is, "If you can "catch" anything, a cold, a bus, an STD, you can try out for us."

BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY

5) Donovan McNabb will most certainly get injured....again. Knowing him, it will be a hang nail or something. Hey, when DOESN'T this guy get hurt? What the hell is a sports hernia? C'mon, I once played 6 hrs straight with a broken leg. Of course, I was playing X-Box, but that's not the point.

The bottom line is the Cowboys are a much better team and will crush the Eagles this
Monday night. And if you think differently, step on over to "The Sport Court" in my column at www.knowhuddle.com, defend your team, and prove me wrong!!!




NO SURGERY FOR KOBE
Kobe Bryant has decided to fore go pinkie surgery so he doesn't miss any part of the upcoming season. Kobe said he wanted to be there with his team from the beginning of the season, until the end, when they lose again in the Championship.



OLYMPICS ARE HISTORIC
The numbers are in. The Olympics were watched by 3 out of every 4 people in the world. That number was so high because all the Re-Deem Team’s kids were watching the games.



BRADY DONE FOR THE SEASON
New England Patriots star quarterback Tom Brady will be out for the season with a knee injury. When President Bush heard a star would be out for the season he said, “Idol just won’t be the same without Simon.”



DE LA HOYA TO FIGHT AGAIN
Oscar De La Hoya has agreed to fight Manny Pacquiao on Dec. 6 this year at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas. This time, De La Hoya promised the fishnet stockings and heels would not be a part of his training regiment.



NAME CHANGE
ProFootballTalk.com is reporting Bengals wide receiver Chad Johnson has reportedly changed his name to Chad Javon Ocho Cinco. The way Chad killed my fantasy team last year, he needs to change his name to "Catcho Toucdowno You Bastardito"




LPGA SETS A STANDARD
The LPGA sent out a memo stating ALL players must learn to speak English or face suspension. The LPGA said every player must at least be able to say, “Michelle Wie Sucks!” in English.




OLYMPICS ARE HISTORIC
The Olympics pulled in a total of 214 million viewers making it the most watched tv show in U.S. TV history. The main reason for this…pedophiles all over the country tuned into watch the Chinese Women’s Gymnastics Team.



STRAHAN SAYS NO
Michael Strahan turned down an offer from the New York giants to come out of retirement and play one more season. Strahan said his new schedule has him booked up for the next 9 months. Apparently, that’s how long it takes to fix the gap in his teeth.



ONLY THE ASS-ENTIALS
According to "ASKMEN.com" Misty May not only received a gold medal, be she also received the much sought after, heavily contested, "J-LO ASS-ets" award.




GOLD FOR THE U.S.A.
The US Men’s Basketball Team, dubbed "The Re-Deem Team," walked away with the gold medal by beating Spain in the championship game. Now, Kobe has another piece of jewelry he can give to his wife after he cheats on her.



TWICE AS NICE
Misty May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh won their second consecutive gold medal in beach volleyball Thursday beating China in straight sets. Let’s see, there were women in bikinis jumping up and down, grunts, moans, slaps, and spikes. In other words, a typical Friday at Robert Downey Jr.’s house.



MLB OK'S REPLAY
Major League Baseball signed an agreement Wednesday that will allow the sport to start using instant replay to help determine calls on the field. In light of this, The Chicago Cubs have asked MLB if they could replay the last 100 years.




BOLTING TO A WORLD RECORD
Jamaican Usain Bolt shattered the world record in the men's 100 meter dash to win the gold medal over the weekend. The only person in the world faster than Bolt is John McCain running away from George Bush.



AS GOOD AS GOLD
Michael Phelps won his record breaking 8th gold medal this weekend with a world record in the 4x100 medley relay. Phelps now has more victories than the New York Mets.




TIGER'S OUT FOR A WHILE
Tiger Woods says he won't swing a golf club at all until next year. Even without swinging the clubs, Tiger will still probably win 6 tournaments this year.




ARE THE CHINESE GYMNASTS TOO YOUNG?
The U.S. Women's Gymnastics Team says the Chinese team has been cheating by using girls under 16 years old. To prove their point, the US gymnasts pointed out the fact that the Chinese team is sponsored by, "To Catch a Predator."

This revelation prompted an immediate flight to Beijing by R. Kelly



U.S. WOMEN WIN GOLD
U.S. Women ended up winning the gold and silver medals in the all-around gymnastic competition. The Chinese team was not too disappointed however. They just took the vault and a few high bars outside and beat up some protesters.

My Political Humor and Current Events Column Will Re-Appear in USATODAY SOON!

BIG RATINGS WIN
Fox’s coverage of the GOP convention was ranked number one for all cable channels. The coverage was helped by Fox’s lead in movie, “White men Can’t Jump, But They can Sure as Hell Win an Election.”



GUNS A-BLAZE
Shooters from around the globe gathered in Tulsa, Oklahoma for the U.S. Shooting Association National Championships. Word to the wise…..Obama…..STAY AWAY FROM OKLAHOMA!




DO A LITTLE DANCE, GET DOWN TONIGHT
Abdur-Rahim Jackson, a dancer with the famed Alvin Ailey dance troupe said he was forced to perform steps for Israeli airport security officers to prove his identity due to his name. Well, it’s a good thing his name wasn’t "Imma-Humpyanow Jackson."