Dumb Asses of the Week

Police: Box of marijuana marked with motorist's name
HOLIDAY, Fla., -- Authorities in Florida said a box of marijuana found in a car was labeled with the motorist's first name and the word "pot."
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N.O. man driving stolen vehicle arrested after asking cop for directions
SLIDELL, La. – Slidell police arrested a man last week after he pulled up next to a police officer while driving a stolen vehicle and asked her for directions.
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Police: Man breaks into church to watch porn
AMES, Iowa -- Second-degree burglary charges have been filed against an Ames man who broke into a church where he allegedly used the institution's electronic equipment to watch pornography.
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Burglar trying to steal a car gets locked IN
A pair of Columbia County residents used their car's key fob to keep a man suspected of trying to steal the car locked inside until authorities arrived.
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Alleged thief tried to cash in stolen lottery tickets
Allen Nguyen allegedly stole $70 worth of Florida scratch-off lottery tickets from a Winter Haven Circle K store and was busted when he returned to the same store to cash in a winner.
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Man throws feces in courtroom, gets 31 years

SAN DIEGO – A man who sneaked a small bag of feces into a courtroom during his robbery trial, smeared the contents on his lawyer and threw it at jurors, was sentenced Monday to 31 years and four months in prison.
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BUSTY shopper stunned when mail-order bra arrives with request for private show

A BUSTY shopper was stunned when her mail-order bra arrived with a sleazy request for a "private show". Emily McNulty, 23, found the hand-written message - including a phone number and two kisses - inside the box with her 32JJ bra.
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Oops! Adult Chat Line Printed on School T-Shirts

The annual jog-a-thon at Linda Vista Elementary School in Yorba Linda is getting a little more attention than usual... all because of an embarrassing mistake.
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Are some taking social media too serious? E-rejection Hurts.

If you harbor a bit of angst over Facebook friend requests gone unanswered, a surprise "defriending" or being deserted by your Twitter followers, you're not alone.
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Prom canceled after lesbian's date request

JACKSON, Miss. -- Constance McMillen didn't believe her Mississippi school district would really call off her senior prom rather than allow her to show up with her girlfriend and wear a tuxedo.
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PETA offers trash cans for parks - Under ONE condition

The animal rights group PETA is offering to help the cash-strapped city of Colorado Springs by paying to put trash cans back in parks - on one condition.
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NEW MEN'S UNDIES MADE FROM BANANAS

An Australian swimwear company has developed the world's first men's briefs made from, you guessed it, banana plants.
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91 YEAR-OLD CASHIER FENDS OF THIEF

EAST NORTHPORT, N.Y. -- Florence Critelli grabbed the man's hand and screamed when he reached over and grabbed cash from her register drawer at the Rite Aid in East Northport.
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MAILMAN ALLEGEDLY SNIFFED AND DELIVERED COCAINE ON ROUTE

KISSIMMEE, Fla. - A Kissimmee postal worker has been arrested after investigators said he made special drug deliveries on his route.
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ALLEGED BURGLAR SHOWERS, CUTS HAIR, AND FRIES CHICKEN BEFORE BEING CAUGHT

EASTON, Pa. -— An eastern Pennsylvania man was charged after he allegedly broke into a home, cut his hair and prepared fried chicken before being discovered.
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WOMAN SAYS HER LOVE HANDLES SAVED HER FROM BULLET

ATLANTIC CITY, N.J. -– A Florida woman said her love handles saved her life when she was shot entering an Atlantic City bar.
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6 YEAR-OLD STUDENT CUFFED AND TAKEN TO MENTAL HOSPITAL

PORT ST. LUCIE, Fla. -- A Port St. Lucie first-grade student was handcuffed and committed to a mental health facility because of her classroom behavior.
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30 POUNDS OF POT FOUND IN JESUS PICTURE

EL PASO, TX -- U.S. authorities said they discovered 30 pounds of marijuana hidden in framed pictures of Jesus Christ being taken across the border from Mexico to Texas.
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NEW BLOG IS UNDER CONSTRUCTION

In the meantime, feel free to read past entries for your enjoyment

2008 NFL SEASON IN REVIEW - PART 1

LET'S TAKE A LOOK BACK AT THE SEASON THAT WAS...



BRETT FAVRE – Favre returned from retirement and after a tough season received a prestigious award. The coveted “12th Man for the OTHER Team Award.”




TERRELL OWENS – In 2008, Owens had more dropped balls than every 13 year old boy in the country combined.



PLAXICO BURRESS – Plax pleaded not guilty to gun possession, and firing an unlicensed weapon in a NY night club. Burress became the first person in history to shoot himself, then be charged with black on black crime.



DONOVAN McNABB – Mcnabb claims he didn’t know an NFL game could end in a tie after the Eagles and Bengals failed to score in overtime. Give Mcnabb credit. Unlike some people, at least he admitted he didn’t know something. We’re still waiting for an explanation about those weapons of mass destruction.



PAC-MAN JONES – Jones was suspended 4 games for getting into a fight with his bodyguard. When asked why he seems to keep getting in to trouble, Pac-man responded, “Well, at least I didn’t kill two people or start a dog fighting ring.”



DALLAS COWBOYS – The pre-season superbowl favorites, the Cowboys once again fell to a disappointing December and failed to make the play-offs. This prompted owner Jerry Jones to say, “We’ll just have to go out and sign more convicted felons.” (I hear Michael Vick will be getting out soon.)

Since the final game, no one seems to be able to find Jerry Jones. He didn’t go anywhere, he just had more plastic surgery and no one recognizes him now.



DETROIT LIONS - The Lions finished the season with an 0-16 record becoming the first team in NFL history to lose 16 games. This record might not seem as bad if the Lions hadn’t lost to teams such as, Devry, The L.A. Sparks, and Boy Scout Troop #124.



MATT MILLEN – Millen was fired as the GM of the Detroit Lions. Detroit became the only city in the history of sports to ever throw a parade for someone who was fired. Millen was then given the key to the city. What Millen didn’t know was that all the locks were changed first.

THE ANNUAL NFL CHRISTMAS PLAY

Scene 1:

Terrell Owens celebrated his 35th birthday on Sunday with a loss to the Pittsburg Steelers. But despite the loss, the Cowboys still made sure to celebrate their star's special day. Here is what transpired:


(Scene: The locker room. Owens' teammates gather around his locker and hand him a wrapped package.)


Owens: "Thank you for remembering my birthday, guys."
Romo: "No problem, buddy. We all chipped in. We think you'll like it."

(Shakes box. Holds it to his ear.)

Owens: "Hmm ... it seems light. I don't have a clue. I guess I'll just open it."

(Opens the package. Pulls out a paper containing that says, 8-5.)

Owens: "I don't get it. What is it?"
Witten: "That's our record dumb a$$! Look how far down we are compared to last year. That's terrible! We might not even make the playoffs. And it was all to make you happy!"
Owens: "Oh, my ... this ... this ...(sniff...sniff)... this is the greatest gift ever. Thank you, guys. Thank you so much."


Scene 2:




This past week, Plaxico Burress pleaded not guilty to gun possession, and firing an unlicensed weapon. Before the arraignment, Plaxico met with Al Sharpton to discuss strategy:

Al: So let me get this straight, you shot yourself with your own gun?
Plax: Yea, I think I'm in some deep doo doo this time.
Al: I got it! We'll just say this is another example of the white man always blaming the black man every time a gun goes off.
Plax: But Al, I was the one who shot myself
Al: Then we'll say this is just black on black crime exploited by the government to make the Black man look stupid..
Plax: Dude, it WAS stupid. I shot myself.
Al: Then we'll end it with, "Plaxico is well educated, well behaved, and was well dressed on that night so he was obviously a target." I mean, it's not like you were wearing sweat pants and slippers right? (laughs heartily)
Plax: (looks down slowly) Uh, yea, I was.
Al: YOU'RE SCREWED! Not even Obama can save you now.




HORRIBLE FANTASY TEAM THAT CRUSHED YOURS LAST WEEK

Seneca Wallace, QB, Seahawks -- 20-for-28, 212 yards, 3 touchdowns, 47 rushing yards
Darren Sproles, RB, Chargers -- 64 total yards, 2 touchdowns
Tashard Choice, RB, Cowboys -- 166 total yards
Deion Branch, WR, Seahawks -- 4 catches, 88 yards, 2 touchdowns
Bryant Johnson, WR, 49ers -- 6 catches, 49 yards, 1 touchdown
Anthony Fasano, TE, Dolphins -- 3 catches, 36 yards, 1 touchdown

NFL TEAMS ARE GIVING THANKS

With Thanksgiving upon us, here is a list of a few NFL teams and the wonderful things they have to be thankful for:



DETROIT LIONS - Will be giving thanks for the season only being 16 games long. If this was Baseball, the Lions could be looking at a 0-162 record. By the way, the Lions are still giving thanks about Matt Millen not being there.





KANSAS CITY CHIEFS - Will be giving thanks for Larry Johnson being banned from interacting with any female ever again. The Chiefs are also thankful that they are NOT the Raiders.




PHILADELPHIA EAGLES - Will be giving thanks to any one of their quarterbacks that can hit an open receiver. Preferably one that doesn't play for the other team.




DALLAS COWBOYS - Will be giving thanks to the medical staff who worked on Romo's pinky. There hasn't been that much medical attention in Dallas since J.R. Ewing got shot. The Cowboys are also thankful that Pacman Jones has been hand-cuffed and chained in Jerry Jones' basement the past 4 weeks.




ATLANTA FALCONS - Will be giving thanks to the Federal Penal system for allowing Michael Vick to plead guilty and come back to the team early. However, the Falcons are not thankful that the Westminster Dog Show will be moving to Atlanta this year.




OAKLAND RAIDERS - Will be giving thanks for San Fransicso 49ers, the San Fransisco Giants, and the Oakland A's. Because without these teams, the Raiders would be the only sucky team in the bay area.

NFL WRAP-UP WEEK 10

DANTE'S INFERNO
Dante Culpepper returned as the starting QB for the Detroit Lions. It didn't help. The Lions lost 38-14. After the game, Dante said the Lions suck so bad, he doesn't even think they could beat Devry. Dante also said the huddle was in total disarray. He said he's never tried to call a play in the huddle while guys where playing pictionary and connect 4.



CADILLAC OUT OF THE SHOP
Cadillac Williams has been activated by the Buccaneers for their game this weekend. Cadillac says he can't wait to get on the field and get hurt again. Right after saying that, Cadillac fell off the podium and tore his ACL.




TATUM BELL STEALS A 2ND CHANCE WITH BRONCOS
The Denver Broncos have re-signed RB Tatum Bell due to injuries in the backfield. Tatum Bell was cut earlier by the Lions and charged with stealing newly acquired RB Rudi Johnson's luggage on the way out. This led to Bell's new nickname in the locker room, Tatum "Winona Ryder" Bell.




MATT HASSEL-is-BACK
Seattle Seahawks QB Matt Hasselback has announced he will make his first start in six weeks this weekend against the Cardinals. "Hasselback is starting? WOOOO HOOOOO!!!," said the Cardinals.




MARC BULGER RETURNS
The Rams announced QB Marc Bulger will start this weekend against the 49ers despite his recent struggles. "Bulger is starting? WOOOO HOOOOO!!!," said the 49ers.




HORRIBLE FANTASY TEAM THAT DESTROYED YOURS


Brady Quinn, QB, Browns -- 23-for-35, 239 yards, 2 TDs

BenJarvus Green-Ellis, RB, Patriots -- 26 carries, 105 yards, TD

Kevin Smith, RB, Lions -- 123 total yards, TD

Mark Bradley, WR, Chiefs -- 9 catches, 81 yards, TD

Malcom Floyd, WR, Chargers -- 4 catches, 76 yards, TD

Dustin Keller, TE, Jets -- 6 catches, 107 yards, TD

THE NFL WRAP

T.O SOUNDS OFF
After the Cowboys loss last Sunday, Terrell Owens said, "You know, I'm just gonna play with whomever is back there at quarterback. If you can come back there and quarterback, hey -- I'll play with you." That's right, T.O. will play with anyone back there at Quarterback....unless your name is Donovan McNabb or Jeff Garcia. Then, he'll just call you lazy and gay.




RAIDERS RELEASE HALL
Due to their 2-6 start, the Oakland Raiders have released their biggest off-season acquisition CB DeAngelo Hall. When contacted, Hall told reporters, "I am very upset.......that it took the Raiders this long. Hell, I've been missing tackles on purpose for 8 weeks trying to get the hell out of here!"



OH THOSE SUCKY RAIDERS
Speaking of the Raiders, Oakland rakced up a negative 2 yards in the first half last week and ended the game with 77 yards total. To put this in perspective, Sen. John McCain gained more yards running away from President Bush during the election than the Raiders gained the entire game.




MATT JONES SET TO APPEAL
Matt Jones, WR with the Jaguars, is appealing his 3 game suspension after a felony conviction came down on him for cocain use. The NFL said they had to suspend Jones because at every game, the groundscrew had to keep redoing the field due to Jones sniffing up all the white lines.



HERM EDWARDS GIVES APPLAUSE
Kansas City Chiefs Coach Herm Edwards applauded the victory by newly President-Elect Barack Obama saying "this is a great day in American history." Edwards then proceeded to offer Obama a multi-year contract to play quarterback for the team. Edwards said he contemplated sending a similar offer to Gov. Palin to play running back, but figured he already had enough women at that position.





HORRIBLE FANTASY FOOTBALL TEAM THAT DESTROYED YOURS LAST WEEK

Gus Frerotte, QB, Vikings -- 11-for-18, 182 yards, 3 TD, 1 INT

Peyton Hillis, RB, Broncos -- 116 receiving yards, 1 TD

Cedric Benson, RB, Bengals -- 24 carries, 104 yards, 1 TD

Michael Jenkins, WR, Falcons -- 2 catches, 64 yards, 2 TD

Koren Robinson, WR, Seahawks -- 4 catches, 105 yards, 1 TD

Brent Celek, TE, Eagles -- 6 catches, 131 yards





BEST FANTASY FOOTBALL TEAM....EVER!!!