TOP 10 THINGS JERRY JONES CAN DO TO TURN SEASON AROUND

With the Cowboys most recent loss to the Rams of all teams, Jerry Jones needs to make some tough decisions about the future of his team. So in order to assist him with this endeavor, I put together a few things that Jerry can do to right this ship.

Top 10 Things Jerry Jones Can Do To Turn This Season Around:

- Increase offseason Pinkie conditioning.

- Acquire another Roy Williams.

- Take Wade Phillips out for a "Dinner on the Lake" with his business partners Vinnie and Guido.

- Be more like Al Davis by only wearing 1970's sweat suits and Blue Blockers Sun Glasses.

- Overpay even more players who only average 5 plays a game.

- Start recruiting even more recently released felons (I hear Michael Vick will be getting out soon).

- Start rumors that Wade Phillips is really Dave Campo because they are never in the room at the same time.

- Bring back Jimmie Johnson, Barry Switzer, Bill Parcels, and Dave Wanstadt to play Defensive Backs.

- Have even more plastic surgery so no one knows if you are mad as hell or just surprised all the time.

NFL - WEEK 6 GAMES DOWN TO THE WIRE

In Week 6, five games were decided in the final minutes with dramatic endings for the first time in NFL history. Let's recap the excitement:



TEXANS 29, DOLPHINS 28
What a final play! It was so exciting, they kept showing Matt Schaub's quarterback keeper over and over in slow motion. The funny thing is they didn't even need to use the slow-motion technology. Hell, My grandmother can run faster than Shaub and he doesn't have any legs.




VIKINGS 12, LIONS 10
If you aren't excited to see a 12-10 Vikings-Lions game end, you don't love good football. This game featured Lions' QB Dan Orlovsky running out the back of the endzone as if he were playing pop warner. Wait, that would be a slap in the face of all pop warner players. Even kids know you don't run on that big shiney white line thingy called "out of bounds."





RAMS 19, REDSKINS 17
As his winning kick flew through the uprights, Rams kicker Josh Brown celebrated by pointing to the name on the back of his jersey. Which led all the Redskins' players to point to the Rams record.




FALCONS 22, BEARS 20
The Bears showed once again it IS possible to lose a game in the last 11 seconds. To say the Bears gave this one away is an understatement. The Bears ran away from this victory faster than McCain is running away from President Bush.




CARDINALS 30, COWBOYS 24
This was the first game in NFL history to end with a blocked punt returned for a touchdown. The only thing this game didn't have was Pacman Jones getting drunk and punching out a referee. Although there are reports that Pacman's water bottle smelled alot like a Long Island Ice Tea. Tony Romo was sacked more times than groceries. And the Cowboys special teams was about as successful as Michael Jackson out on a date with an ADULT!


All in All, this was one freaky Week 6 for the NFL

Top 5 Things Pac-Man's Bodyguard Said to Start the Fight

According to reports, authorities say Dallas Cowboys' DB Adam "Pac-Man" Jones got into a brief scuffle with the bodyguard that was assigned to him by the team at a private event Tuesday night at a Dallas hotel. What was shocking to most people was the incident didn't happen in a strip club.

One bystander said, "If that bodyguard had been wearing a thong and some clear heels, I don't think he woulda made it out alive."


This got me thinking. What could that bodyguard have possibly said to set of the usually mild mannered even tempered Pac-Man Jones. Well, here is my list of the Top 5 Things Pac-Man's Bodyguard said to start the fight:

5) "Hey Pacman, you're not that good of a corner back. Hell, you couldn't cover me if I was just a torso."

4) "Pacman, Al Davis called. He said come try out for the Raiders. They're a little low on felons right now."

3) "Pacman, OJ Simpson said he saw your last performance and gives it 2 knives down."

2) "Pacman, that stripper in Vegas said you hit like a girl. She said she's been hit harder by a crumpled up dollar bill"

1) "Pacman, your teeth are so messed up it looks like your tongue is in jail. Seriously, your teeth are so messed up every time you bite into a sandwich you spell the word 'TOUCHDOWN'"


NOW THEMS FIGHTIN WORDS!!!!!

T.O. Tries To Get Into Heaven.

At the post-game press conference, Terrell Owens, in a weird display of emotion said, "God used me today for his glory. Reality is where glory resides. That's all I've got to say." That is unfortunate. Because I have no idea what you are saying. And now, confusion is where I reside.

This got me thinking, if players thank God every time they win a game or a match, do they also thank God when they lose? I mean, can you imagine the losing boxer at a press conference? “First of all, I would like to give all glory and honor to God for allowing my face to receive my opponent’s vicious blows. Through God’s teachings, I learned to turn the other cheek so that now, both sides of my face are swollen. I’d also like to thank God for giving my opponent the strength to lay his healing hands on my rib cage. There were moments in the fight where I asked God for courage and instead, he blessed me with unconsciousness from a left hook. And just like Jesus, I was awakened and rose 3 days later at the hospital. So again, all praises and glory to God Almighty.”

I’m just saying, I’m tired of athletes ONLY invoking God’s name when they win. It’s time to be fair and give God ALL the credit He deserves!!!

And The Next Coach Of The Raiders Is......

Al Davis came out of his cocoon yesterday to finally drop the hammer on Lane Kiffin. So it is now official. Lane Kiffin is no longer the head coach of the Oakland Raiders. It would take a very special kind of person to be the next head coach for the Raiders so here are a few suggestions:

- OJ SIMPSON - I hear he's very "hands on." He'll bring in plays to help slice up the defense. If someone takes the ball, he'll just go steal it back. If his players can't sack the QB, he'll just have them kidnap him. After practice he'll never be too far away. He'll be the one driving real slow on the highway. To liven up the crowd, he'll bring in Kato Kalin to be the team mascot. All in all, I'm sure OJ wouldn't mind taking a stab at it.

Signature Play : The Double Reverse Homicide.

- PARIS HILTON - She's on parole so she fits right in with the Raiders. She can teach the running backs how to hold onto balls. She has a lot of experience being a wide receiver.

Signature Play: The Down and Out...and In...and Out...and In.

- MICHAEL JACKSON - Like Al Davis, he would show up to work in his pajamas. His pre-game speeches would be memorable, "C'mon guys, let's get out there and win...shuh-mone!! Let's kick their asses...eeee heeee!! Let's do it for Al... mama-say-mama-saw-moomah-koo-sah!!" All touchdown celebrations would be the dance from "Thriller." He would personally sponsor the "Punt, Pass, and Kick" games for the Raiders kids.

Signature Play: The Statutory of Liberty.


- JOHN McCAIN - The only person living who is older than Al Davis so there is automatic respect. He can speak to the players about how he played against John Adams at the Continental Congress Picnic. If the Raiders ever suffer a financial crisis, he'll just suspend the season until Al gets the money right. On Monday, he'll say the fundamentals of his team are strong. Then on Tuesday he'll say it's the worst team he's ever coached. But, he'll pick a hot MILF who knows nothing about football to be his assistant coach.

Signature Play: Any play which leads the defense in one direction, the stops on a dime, and takes a complete 180 turn in the opposite direction.


- BARACK OBAMA - To make the team not feel so bad about losing, he would take them out bowling to show them what losing really looks like. If the season gets too bad, he'll just bring in Oprah to fire up the troops. "Look under your seats gentlemen. Superbowl Rings. You've gotta ring...and you've gotta ring..." No need for a team chaplain. He'll bring in Rev. Wright. The players would be confused as hell after a Rev Wright speech. They would be like, "what the hell does 'whitey keepin the black man down' have to do with the Broncos?"

Signature Play: The Hail "Yes We Can" Mary.

So there you have it. Very qualified, very viable options to be the next head coach for the Oakland Raiders.