MCCAIN PICKS A MATE
John McCain has made up his mind about his VP running mate and will make an announcement on Friday. He said he will make the announcement at 4pm, right before his bingo and a nap.




BILL ON THE REBOUND
Bill Clinton spoke last night at the DNC and many analysts feel he may have saved his legacy with his speech. Next, Clinton is scheduled to speak at a Sex Addicts Anonymous meaning to save "THAT" part of his legacy.






BARACK GETS THREATS
The FBI reported they may have dropped the ball on investigating threats against Barack Obama. An unidentified source said, "Every time we were going to investigate, something more important came up...like Monday Night Football, Thanksgiving, Leap year...etc...etc...etc..."




DROP IT LIKE IT'S HOT
Rapper DMX used foul language in a rap in court today and the judge subsequently denied his bond. Apparently, the judge said, "Sit down so we can move on," but DMX mistakenly thought he said, "Get down and get your grove on."