IT'S OFFICIAL
Barack Obama gave a speech in front of 84,000 people at the Democratic National Convention to officially accept the Democratic nomination. Due to time constraints, Obama decided not to turn water into wine….THIS time.



A STORMS A-COMING
Tropical Storm Gustav is reportedly heading straight for New Orleans. Officials at FEMA said they are getting prepared early…….to ignore the calls for help.




ON THE MARKET
The landlord of the Manhattan apartment where Heath Ledger died is now renting it for $26,000 per month. The landlord said for an extra $5, he’ll throw in Mary Kate Olsen as a door stop.




TOO MUCH SEX
David Duchovny, former X-Files star, has entered a rehabilitation facility for sex addiction. He said it wasn’t the constant sex that made him finally come in, but the constant sex with aliens. A condition more commonly known as "Captain-Kirkosis."



PAC-MAN READY TO TAKE A BITE
The NFL has re-instated Adam "Pac-Man" Jones and cleared him to play this season for the Dallas Cowboys. This is a devastating blow to Jones as now, he won’t have any extra time to beat up strippers.