RE-ACTION JACKSON
The Rev. Jesse Jackson apologized Wednesday for what he called "regretfully crude" comments made about Barack Obama. Jackson said he thought the microphone was off when he made the comment. What is even more shocking about this story is the fact anyone could even understand what the hell Jesse Jackson said in the first place.




FINALLY ABSOLVED
Prosecutors say new DNA test evidence finally clears JonBenet Ramsey's family more than ten years after her death. Police said they would have tried to solve the case sooner, but there was an increase in jaywalking throughout the city that had to be stopped.




BUSH HAS A B-DAY
President Bush turned 62 over the weekend. It must tear him up on the inside to be twice as old as his approval rating.




LENNY & SQUIGGY
Lenny Kravitz and A-Rod’s wife, Cynthia, were in Kravitz's tour bus when the reports broke about their affair in Paris. Kravitz denied the rumor. Now, that makes no sense. He denies an affair, while he’s on his tour bus, with the alleged woman from the affair, in Paris. That’s like Bill Clinton saying, “I did not have sexual relations with that woman,” while she’s under the podium, at the press conference.




DOG GONNIT
One of the latest and weirdest trends, is dog owners are now joining their pets in “Holy “Mutt-rimony.” Dog weddings are the new thing. One of the problems with this however, is from time to time, the groom has interrupted the vows to lick his own butt.

One recently married groom could be overheard saying, “Hey, life’s a bitch...so I married one.”