TROOP WITHDRAWAL
George Bush is announcing the withdrawal of 8000 combat troops from Iraq by Feb 2009. These troops should be ecstatic as they join the other 2 troops that were withdrawn in Feb 2008.








JETBLUE FEELING GENEROUS
JetBlue is auctioning off more than 300 round trip flights on E-bay this week. And if you buy now, they will throw in the crash landings for FREE!



SPIKE LEE'S NEW JOINT
Spike Lee's is set to release his new World War II movie about Black soldiers called "Miracle of St. Anna." Like every other movie, all the Black characters will be killed off during the opening credits.

IT'S OFFICIAL
John McCain officially accepted his party’s Presidential nomination last night. And after his speech, he rode of into the sunset…..on his Rascal.

After hearing his speech, it’s quite evident McCain is Mr. “noun, verb, and P.O.W.”



PALIN FEELING THE HEAT
Gov. Sarah Palin is catching much heat for her comments mocking and degrading community organizers in her speech Weds night. Seeing she is in the party of Christian values, do you think she knows Jesus Christ was a community organizer….and Pontius Pilate was the Governor.



IT'S A CELEBRATION
The AARP celebrated it’s 50th Anniversary of service to the elderly community. It was a star-studded event which rocked out and lasted until the wee hours of 4pm.



GOING DOWN IN FLAMES
Former Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick resigned yesterday in a written statement admitting he lied under oath about having an affair while in office. I’m surprised he didn’t just text message his resignation to his Mistress.



JOBS GETTING WORSE
The nation’s unemployment rate boomed to a five-year high of 6.1 percent in August as employers slashed 84,000 jobs. These numbers would have been out sooner but all the people in the Labor Dept. Statistics Division were fired months ago.

REPUBS CRYING FOUL
Republicans are now crying "sexism" over the treatment of Gov. Sarah Palin by the media. According to Republicans, sexism is only ok when they are trashing Hillary Clinton.





PALIN'S BIG NIGHT
Gov. Palin will be giving her VP acceptance speech in front of millions of people at the Republican Convention tonight. Hopefully her other daughter won't get pregnant by then.

Bristol Palin's baby daddy will be in attendance at the Republican Convention tonight to hear his future mother-in-law's acceptance speech. Hopefully he'll be smart enough to wear a condom.




NEW ORLEANS RECOVERS
Thousands of people are still without power in New Orleans in the aftermath of Hurricane Gustav. There was however, still enough light to rob and loot abandoned houses.

One man was arrested yesterday for stealing a toaster from an appliance store. Because if there is one thing you need in a hurricane, it's warm pop tarts.



GUSTAV AFTERMATH
New pictures show some of New Orleans levee's are breaching. When President Bush heard something was breaching, he said, "I thought Bristol Palin wasn't due for a few more months."

MORE CONTROVERSY FOR PALIN
VP Nominee Sarah Palin announced yesterday her 17 yr old daughter is now pregnant. To clear his name immediately, Kevin Federline said he is NOT the father.

Palin supports "abstinence only" programs which apparently didn't work. "Abstinence Only" is like putting a cookie in front of a child, telling him not to eat it, and then walking out of the room. You KNOW he's going in for a taste!




P. DIDDY IS P. O'd
P. Diddy said, due to high gas prices, he can no longer fly his private jet and must take commercial flights from now on. It must be pretty embarrassing being forced to drink Cristal in first class with the commoners.




SOPRANO TIES THE KNOT
"Sopranos" star James Gandolfini married former model Deborah Lin on Saturday in her hometown of Honolulu, Hawaii. Good News! No one was killed, knee-capped, or beat up during the filming of the wedding.



BRITNEY TAKES A PASS
Britney Spears will not be performing at MTVs Video Music Awards this year. Spears said she’s not participating because she could just stay at home and look like a fool just as easy.

HAPPY LABOR DAY!!!!!

OH WHAT A TANGLED WEB WE WEAVE
Republican V.P. candidate Sarah Palin released a statement her 17 year old daughter is now 5 months pregnant. Which means the girl got pregnant, after she was pulled out of school for mono. In light of this, Palin is scheduled to receive the "Jamie Lynn Spears" award at the convention.



BUSH & CHENEY CANCEL
President Bush and VP Dick Cheney both said they will not be attending the Republican Convention due to Hurricane Gustav. Apparently, Bush and Cheney will have plans to be strapped to an oil rig in the gulf trying to save every last drop from the storm.




A STORMS A-COMING
According to experts, Hurricane Gustav may raise gasoline prices by fifteen cents a gallon. After hearing this, Hurricane Gustav was made an official honorary member of the Republican Party.



B-DAY FOR M.J.
Michael Jackson, the King of Pop, turned 50 years old last week. He says he still feels like a child. Or was that, he still feels on a child? I can’t remember.

IT'S OFFICIAL
Barack Obama gave a speech in front of 84,000 people at the Democratic National Convention to officially accept the Democratic nomination. Due to time constraints, Obama decided not to turn water into wine….THIS time.



A STORMS A-COMING
Tropical Storm Gustav is reportedly heading straight for New Orleans. Officials at FEMA said they are getting prepared early…….to ignore the calls for help.




ON THE MARKET
The landlord of the Manhattan apartment where Heath Ledger died is now renting it for $26,000 per month. The landlord said for an extra $5, he’ll throw in Mary Kate Olsen as a door stop.




TOO MUCH SEX
David Duchovny, former X-Files star, has entered a rehabilitation facility for sex addiction. He said it wasn’t the constant sex that made him finally come in, but the constant sex with aliens. A condition more commonly known as "Captain-Kirkosis."



PAC-MAN READY TO TAKE A BITE
The NFL has re-instated Adam "Pac-Man" Jones and cleared him to play this season for the Dallas Cowboys. This is a devastating blow to Jones as now, he won’t have any extra time to beat up strippers.

MCCAIN PICKS A MATE
John McCain has made up his mind about his VP running mate and will make an announcement on Friday. He said he will make the announcement at 4pm, right before his bingo and a nap.




BILL ON THE REBOUND
Bill Clinton spoke last night at the DNC and many analysts feel he may have saved his legacy with his speech. Next, Clinton is scheduled to speak at a Sex Addicts Anonymous meaning to save "THAT" part of his legacy.






BARACK GETS THREATS
The FBI reported they may have dropped the ball on investigating threats against Barack Obama. An unidentified source said, "Every time we were going to investigate, something more important came up...like Monday Night Football, Thanksgiving, Leap year...etc...etc...etc..."




DROP IT LIKE IT'S HOT
Rapper DMX used foul language in a rap in court today and the judge subsequently denied his bond. Apparently, the judge said, "Sit down so we can move on," but DMX mistakenly thought he said, "Get down and get your grove on."

I DO NOT RECALL
In a recent interview, John McCain said he didn’t remember how many houses he owned. He was however, able to recall the exact number of bottles of Benefiber and Metamucil he owns.




GOP OPENS UP SHOP IN DENVER
Mitt Romney and Rudy Giuliani gave speeches in Denver the same time the Democratic National Convention was in progress. Apparently, the GOP wants to show they can also put losers behind a podium in Denver as well.




WHAT A FLIPPIN’ JOKE
At a Townsville, Canada primary school, doing a cartwheel in the playground can get you suspended due to it being classified as a dangerous level 2 activity. Serves them right little thugs! Next thing you know, if you allow cartwheels they'll be jumping rope and playing red rover EH??!!

THE LION ROARS
Senator Ted Kennedy spoke last night at the Democratic National Convention. He had to cut his speech short due to the fact happy hour was starting in the hotel bar.



IS THERE A PROBLEM HERE?
The "Wall Street Journal" reports more and more employees are "creating" problems, only to solve them, in hopes of looking good to the boss. Now if they can't solve the problem they created, then this is classified as "Congressitis."





OBAMA TARGETED?
Federal authorities are looking into reports that a man arrested with rifles, ammunition and drugs while asleep in his truck may have made threats against Barack Obama. Later it was discovered the guy was just John McCain taking his mid-morning nap.

PUFF PUFF PROSECUTE
Democratic National Convention officials said pot smokers will be prosecuted during the convention. And here I thought the Democrats were the ones who were all for going GREEN.



HAPPY B-DAY MR. PRESIDENT
Former President Bill Clinton turned 62 years old this week. Hillary allowed him to have everything at his birthday party except a cigar.



LIVING LA VIDA LOCA
Ricky Martin is the now the father of healthy twin boys. Ricky was so happy when he found out, he left his post at the drive-through window immediately to go to the hospital.



ONE BIG HOAX
The "Bigfoot" that was discovered in a block of ice in Georgia turned out to be a hairy, rubber bear costume. Other reports claimed it was just Robin Williams who got drunk and passed out in a freezer.



TOO YOUNG TO TUMBLE?
The IOC said it wants to investigate whether the Chinese women’s gymnastics team has been using underage athletes. After hearing this, R. Kelly volunteered to "check" every gymnast personally before each competition.

LESS TRAFFIC DEATHS
According to AAA, traffic deaths in the country decreased in 2007. Well, it’s difficult to get into accidents when you can’t even afford the gas to drive.



DAMON HAS SECOND 'BOURNE'
Actor Matt Damon welcomed his second daughter with wife Luciana today. And just like daddy, the little girl jumped out of the womb, snapped the doctor’s neck, defused a bomb, and tortured a terrorist all while watching Blues Clues.



SILENT BUT DEADLY
A 12-year-old British boy suffered burns to 18 percent of his legs after he blew up a gas can while lighting his own flatulence on fire. I’m sure this is not what they mean when they say "alternative fuel."

I wonder if he’ll get charged with ARSEon?

LAST DITCH EFFORT
In an effort to boost sales, GM is once again offering "employee pricing" on all it’s vehicles. Experts say this will have no effect on GM’s profits seeing not even their employees are buying their cars.



SHALL WE DRINK???
College presidents from about 100 of the best-known U.S. universities are calling on lawmakers to consider lowering the drinking age from 21 to 18 to prevent binge drinking. That’s ridiculous. That’s like saying giving everyone a pound of pot will stop drug use.



BAD PEPPERS
Federal inspectors said they repeatedly turned back filthy, disease-ridden shipments of peppers from Mexico months before a salmonella outbreak, yet no government action was taken. You have to cut the FDA some slack. They are still trying to figure out what the hell is in a twinkie.



TOO YOUNG TO DRIVE
A 35-year-old Texas woman has been jailed after police say she made her 12-year-old daughter drive her to a bar to get drunk. That’s nothing new. My kids drive me to drink every day.



STUCK IN A RUT
A man in Hong Kong had to be cut free from a wooden park bench after he placed his penis in a hole and got stuck trying to have sex with it. Police later issued a "bench" warrant for the man. I guess that’s how they do "bench" presses in Hong Kong.

At least he never had to fork out his hard earned wages for a meal or chocolates and spend an entire evening telling the bench how attractive it was.

MCLAME DOES IT AGAIN
In a recent interview with "Blender Magazine" John McCain said his favorite musical group is ABBA and his favorite song is "Dancing Queen." So not only has McCain lost his dignity, but he's also lost something far more important...his MAN CARD!



BEER WORKS
A new study in England reveals beer goggles are real. The study proved that while drunk, men will take home a woman from a bar who looks like "Halle Berry," but when sober the next morning, she actually looks like "Franken Berry."



FINALLY, AFFORDABLE HOUSING
A house in Detroit has sold for $1. The sad thing is, because it’s Detroit, the house was priced way over market value.




IS THIS A WHOPPER OR WHOPPER JR.?
Some workers at an Xenia, OH, Burger King restaurant are in hot water with the health department, after an employee filmed himself taking a bubble bath in a store sink. I guess this gives new meaning to "Have it Your Way." All I have to say is "Dude, hold the pickle!"

The only thing that could have made this worse is if the creepy Burger King guy was drying him off afterwards.