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JUST SAYIN'Comedy Column - NITEGUIDE MAGAZINE - July

The 4th of July is going down this month and most people will be heading out to house parties all over the country. To make sure the party you attend is NOT a lame one, I have composed a list of a few ways to tell you are at a horrible 4th of July party:


- The host’s idea of fireworks is putting aluminum foil in the microwave.

- The re-enactment of Washington crossing the Delaware consists of your drunk uncle, naked, on an inflatable raft, in the pool, scaring the children .

- The “party hats” are in fact stolen traffic cones.

- There’s a Happy 4th of July 1995 sticker on the package of shrimp the hosts are serving.

- The host's house arrest regulations require lights out at 10pm.

- You find out Scrabble and Jenga are NOT the names of the DJs but the nights festivities.

- The open bar the host told you about turns out to be the bar across the street that happens to be open.

- Someone starts doing the chicken dance....with real chickens.

- The SWAT team has surrounded the house.

- The decorative lights around the house are the same ones that have been up since Christmas.

- Someone has opened up a tattoo parlor in the bathroom.

- That one overly-religious guest is trying to baptize people in the punch bowl.

- Chris Hansen and the Dateline NBC camera crew jumps out of the closet and starts to interview YOU!

Dumb Ass of the Week!

PASCAGOULA, MS. - (AP) -- William Velasquez Castillo, 27, is an illegal alien who had a warrant out for his arrest when we was apprehended on Wednesday, according to cops in Pascagoula, MS. When the fugitive was nabbed, he was allegedly wearing a t-shirt with the words "I'm hiding from the cops" written on the front. It's even better when you see the picture on the shirt.
Full Story

Bus Almost Runs Over Baby

SAN ANTONIO, Texas (CNN) - Video of a bus driver's close call with a baby sitting in the middle of a busy Texas road has been released.

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Study Shows Men Are Biggest Liars

Men are the biggest liars! At least according to a survey commissioned by the Science Museum of London which quizzed three thousand people about their truthfulness.
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Woman Charged With Stun Gun Attack In Wendys

DAYTONA BEACH, Fla. (AP) — A Florida woman is facing charges after being accused of chasing a Wendy's employee with a stun gun when she got upset about her order.
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Man Tries To Trade Baby For Beer

CHICOPEE, Mass. (WWLP) - A father was allegedly caught trying to trade his infant baby for beer at a Chicopee gas station on Monday.
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Prankster Found Not Guilty For Rapping Order At McDonalds

SALT LAKE CITY, UT — (Boston Herald) - Not McGuilty was the verdict from a Utah judge who acquitted a young man of disorderly conduct Tuesday for channeling Jay-Z and rapping an order at a McDonald’s drive-thru.
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Man Gets Stuck In Toilet Trying To Retrieve Cell Phone

CHINA - (APP) -- A Chinese student had to be rescued by firefighters after he got his arm stuck down a toilet trying to retrieve his cell phone.
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Alcohol Abuse Takes On Entirely New Meaning

PUEBLO, Colo. (AP) ― Bud Light may not be advertising these two as "Real Men of Genius." Two men in Pueblo are accused of using an 18-pack case of Bud Light as a weapon while stealing beer at a local Loaf 'N Jug convenience store in Colorado.
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Waitress Fired For Complaining About Tip On FaceBook

CHARLOTTE, N.C. (AP) — A North Carolina waitress is out of a job after griping on her Facebook page about the $5 tip she got from a couple who sat at their table for three hours.
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Man Accused Of Faking His Way Into Harvard

DELAWARE - (AP) -- A Delaware man who attended Harvard University for two years before getting kicked out pleaded not guilty Tuesday to charges he fabricated a perfect record of academic achievement to get into the Ivy League school.

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"Gay Dog" Booted From Australian Restaurant

ADELAIDE, Aus (AP) - Generally speaking, guide dogs are allowed just about everywhere with their masters. In this case, however, a gay dog, even if a guide dog, got the boot.
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More Sex Helps High Blood Pressure, Official Says

RIO DE JANEIRO (AP) - Brazil's health minister has a remedy for the nation's high-blood- pressure problem: More sex.
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Police Barred From Obtaining Penis Enlargements

Indonesia (Reuters) -- Forget about getting a job as a police officer in Indonesia's Papua if you have had your penis enlarged. You won't get it, according to local media reports citing the Papua police chief.
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Dumb Asses of the Week!

Three Women Busted With Drugs....In Drug Court
MANATEE CO., Fla. (970 WFLA) - According to the Manatee County Sheriff's Office, three woman were arrested after they were found with drugs when, ironically enough, they showed up for drug court Tuesday morning.

Veronica Smith, Heather Foy and Caeli Kenney, pictured top to bottom, were arrested on Tuesday morning after they showed up for drug court counseling carrying drugs, according to police in Manatee County, FL.

When the three women arrived at the judicial center, Smith was immediately arrested on an active warrant. Deputies say they found her carrying a syringe, a bottle of urine, four Roxicodone pills, 23 Soma pills and a spoon.

Smith reportedly ratted out her pal, telling cops the urine and syringe belonged to Foy, 23, and said the two regularly got high in the judicial center bathroom.

And then deputies say they found a Roxicodone pill and a tourniquet on Foy.

The judge ordered Kenney, 19, searched -- and bingo -- authorities claim they found a stash of pain pills in her groin area.

All three are charged with possession of a controlled substance.

Suspect Found Neck-deep in Manure Pit

ALBION, Ind. (AP) - Police said that officers searching for a man wanted on methamphetamine charges found him hiding neck-deep in a liquid manure pit at a northeastern Indiana farm.
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California Man Was Wired For Pleasure, Not Terror

CALIFORNIA (Smoking Gun) -- A California Highway Patrol office was briefly evacuated earlier this month when investigators became concerned that an arrestee might have been carrying a concealed explosive device.
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89 Year-Old Woman Fires Gun At Intruder

DES MOINES, Iowa (AP) - An elderly Des Moines woman used a handgun to ward off a man who bashed in the front door of her home.
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3 Men Tunnel Their Way Into A Pot Dispensary

LAGUNA HILLS, Calif. (CBS)-- Burglary suspects may have dug themselves into a whole lot of trouble. They tried to tunnel into a medical marijuana dispensary, unaware that the clinic had installed a new security system.
Full Story

Crocodile Forces Water Aerobics Class to Wait

SYDNEY (AP) -- The biweekly water aerobics class at a holiday park in northern Australia was postponed Tuesday when an unwanted guest entered the pool -- a 5-foot-long (1.5-meter) crocodile.
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Driver Arrested For Doing 5 mph In A 40 mph Zone

FARMINGTON, Conn. (AP) -- A 39-year-old driver was pulled over in Farmington this weekend where police said he was doing 5 mph in a 40 mph zone. Police said Isreal Nieves of Bloomfield had the drug PCP in the car and a 9-year-old passenger.
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Prom-Goers Watch Repo Man Drive Away In Their Limo

JENKS, Okla. (AP) -- High school students attending a prom in Oklahoma say they watched as a repo man drove away a limousine they had rented. At least one initially thought it was being stolen.
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Recipe Calls For 'Salt And Black People'

(NewsCore) - It is a tiny misprint, but an Australian publisher had to pull a cookbook after one recipe called for "salt and freshly ground black people" to be added to the dish, AFP reported Saturday.
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Facebook Unfriends Osama Bin Laden

(TechnologyExpert.blogspot.com) -- Facebook has apparently just unfriended a high profile extremist: Osama bin Laden.
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Dumb Ass of the Week!

Teen Pops Open Can Of Beer In Back Of Police Car
FORT WALTON BEACH, FL -- The Sheriff’s Deputy reports that as he was driving Tasha Lee Cantrell home, he heard her open a can and then busted her sipping from a tall can of Steel Reserve beer.
Full Story

Thong Thief Caught With 79 Pairs Of Panties

EAST LANSING, Mich. -- East Lansing police say a 19-year-old Michigan State University student faces possible charges after pilfering 79 pairs of women's panties.
Full Story

Dad Leaves Kids In Car To Visit Strip Club

DALLAS, TX (AP) - A suburban Dallas man faces child endangerment charges after police say he left his 3-year-old and 9-month-old children locked in the car while he visited a strip club.
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Pornographic Magazine For The Blind Launched

(Telegraph) - A pornographic magazine for the blind has been launched - complete with explicit text and raised pictures of naked men and women.
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Deputy Shocks 30 Students With Taser At Career Fair

LEADVILLE - In Colorado, a Lake County Sheriff's deputy was put on unpaid administrative leave on Thursday after he used a dry Taser to shock 30 students.
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I Once Got Busy In A White Castle Bathroom

GREEN TWP., Ohio -- A man has been charged in a bizarre case that police say started after he had sex with a prostitute in a local restaurant bathroom.
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Dumb Asses of the Week!

Group Sex Ad on Craigslist Too Good to be True, Man Arrested
WEST HARTFORD, Conn. (CBS/AP) Richard Zeh of Newington was arrested Monday after responding to a bogus Craigslist ad soliciting group sex, West Hartford police say.
Full Story



Robber Leaves Backpack At Scene of Crime, Then Returns For It.
ALBUQUERQUE (KRQE) - When a homeowner caught two burglars stealing his TV, he thought the crime was over. However, one of the burglars left an important bit of identification: His metropolitan detention center booking information.
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Mugger Steals Wallet, But Leaves His Wallet At Scene Of Crime
WILMINGTON, Del. (WPVI) -- Police in Delaware say one of the men wanted for an assault and robbery left his own wallet at the scene of the crime.
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Drunk Fireman Pulls Fire Alarm As A Joke - At Fire Chief's Birthday Party
PORT ST. LUCIE, FL — A firefighter in Riviera Beach was arrested after activating the fire alarm at a local lounge while drunk in February at a supervisor’s birthday celebration, according to recently-released records.
Full Story

Dad Leaves Pot In Son's Elmo Bag, Gets Arrested.

UNIONTOWN, Pa. -- Police say a Pennsylvania father went to his son's elementary school to retrieve nearly four ounces of marijuana from the kindergartner's Elmo backpack.
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Cheerleaders Suspended For Urine In Sodas

SAGINAW (AP) ― Some cheerleaders in a Fort Worth-area, Texas school district have received in-school suspensions after teammates were given sodas spiked with urine.
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Bacon-Flavored Baby Formula???

You'd feed your infant bacon-flavored baby formula when pigs fly, right? If that's the case, the latest product from J&D Foods might have hogs taking flight sooner than you think.
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William Hale's Comedy Column "JUST SAYIN" appearing in NITEGUIDE MAGAZINE

APRIL ISSUE

Spring break is right around the corner. And as we all know, this time of year brings out the alcohol, free love, and REGRETS! So let’s take a look at some of these common regrets and hope you have none of these once spring break is over.

I regret…

- Buying that discounted vacation package to Pakistan
- Drinking before 7 am
- Starring in Gigolos Gone Wild
- Discovering a new STD
- Thinking alcohol could make me more attractive
- Thinking alcohol could make others more attractive
- Thinking alcohol could make me a better dancer
- Drinking and then texting my ex at 4am to tell her I love her. Then 2
minutes later telling her I hate her.
- Challenging the football team from a rival school to a mud wrestling match
- Propositioning an undercover cop for a quickie in a port-a-potty.
- Getting drunk and going to bed with someone who looked like Halle
Berry then waking up sober only to notice she looks like Franken Berry.

For daily laughs and to keep up with William Hale’s show schedule, add him at www.facebook.com/williamhale02