IT'S OFFICIAL
Barack Obama gave a speech in front of 84,000 people at the Democratic National Convention to officially accept the Democratic nomination. Due to time constraints, Obama decided not to turn water into wine….THIS time.



A STORMS A-COMING
Tropical Storm Gustav is reportedly heading straight for New Orleans. Officials at FEMA said they are getting prepared early…….to ignore the calls for help.




ON THE MARKET
The landlord of the Manhattan apartment where Heath Ledger died is now renting it for $26,000 per month. The landlord said for an extra $5, he’ll throw in Mary Kate Olsen as a door stop.




TOO MUCH SEX
David Duchovny, former X-Files star, has entered a rehabilitation facility for sex addiction. He said it wasn’t the constant sex that made him finally come in, but the constant sex with aliens. A condition more commonly known as "Captain-Kirkosis."



PAC-MAN READY TO TAKE A BITE
The NFL has re-instated Adam "Pac-Man" Jones and cleared him to play this season for the Dallas Cowboys. This is a devastating blow to Jones as now, he won’t have any extra time to beat up strippers.

MCCAIN PICKS A MATE
John McCain has made up his mind about his VP running mate and will make an announcement on Friday. He said he will make the announcement at 4pm, right before his bingo and a nap.




BILL ON THE REBOUND
Bill Clinton spoke last night at the DNC and many analysts feel he may have saved his legacy with his speech. Next, Clinton is scheduled to speak at a Sex Addicts Anonymous meaning to save "THAT" part of his legacy.






BARACK GETS THREATS
The FBI reported they may have dropped the ball on investigating threats against Barack Obama. An unidentified source said, "Every time we were going to investigate, something more important came up...like Monday Night Football, Thanksgiving, Leap year...etc...etc...etc..."




DROP IT LIKE IT'S HOT
Rapper DMX used foul language in a rap in court today and the judge subsequently denied his bond. Apparently, the judge said, "Sit down so we can move on," but DMX mistakenly thought he said, "Get down and get your grove on."

I DO NOT RECALL
In a recent interview, John McCain said he didn’t remember how many houses he owned. He was however, able to recall the exact number of bottles of Benefiber and Metamucil he owns.




GOP OPENS UP SHOP IN DENVER
Mitt Romney and Rudy Giuliani gave speeches in Denver the same time the Democratic National Convention was in progress. Apparently, the GOP wants to show they can also put losers behind a podium in Denver as well.




WHAT A FLIPPIN’ JOKE
At a Townsville, Canada primary school, doing a cartwheel in the playground can get you suspended due to it being classified as a dangerous level 2 activity. Serves them right little thugs! Next thing you know, if you allow cartwheels they'll be jumping rope and playing red rover EH??!!

THE LION ROARS
Senator Ted Kennedy spoke last night at the Democratic National Convention. He had to cut his speech short due to the fact happy hour was starting in the hotel bar.



IS THERE A PROBLEM HERE?
The "Wall Street Journal" reports more and more employees are "creating" problems, only to solve them, in hopes of looking good to the boss. Now if they can't solve the problem they created, then this is classified as "Congressitis."





OBAMA TARGETED?
Federal authorities are looking into reports that a man arrested with rifles, ammunition and drugs while asleep in his truck may have made threats against Barack Obama. Later it was discovered the guy was just John McCain taking his mid-morning nap.

PUFF PUFF PROSECUTE
Democratic National Convention officials said pot smokers will be prosecuted during the convention. And here I thought the Democrats were the ones who were all for going GREEN.



HAPPY B-DAY MR. PRESIDENT
Former President Bill Clinton turned 62 years old this week. Hillary allowed him to have everything at his birthday party except a cigar.



LIVING LA VIDA LOCA
Ricky Martin is the now the father of healthy twin boys. Ricky was so happy when he found out, he left his post at the drive-through window immediately to go to the hospital.



ONE BIG HOAX
The "Bigfoot" that was discovered in a block of ice in Georgia turned out to be a hairy, rubber bear costume. Other reports claimed it was just Robin Williams who got drunk and passed out in a freezer.



TOO YOUNG TO TUMBLE?
The IOC said it wants to investigate whether the Chinese women’s gymnastics team has been using underage athletes. After hearing this, R. Kelly volunteered to "check" every gymnast personally before each competition.

LESS TRAFFIC DEATHS
According to AAA, traffic deaths in the country decreased in 2007. Well, it’s difficult to get into accidents when you can’t even afford the gas to drive.



DAMON HAS SECOND 'BOURNE'
Actor Matt Damon welcomed his second daughter with wife Luciana today. And just like daddy, the little girl jumped out of the womb, snapped the doctor’s neck, defused a bomb, and tortured a terrorist all while watching Blues Clues.



SILENT BUT DEADLY
A 12-year-old British boy suffered burns to 18 percent of his legs after he blew up a gas can while lighting his own flatulence on fire. I’m sure this is not what they mean when they say "alternative fuel."

I wonder if he’ll get charged with ARSEon?

LAST DITCH EFFORT
In an effort to boost sales, GM is once again offering "employee pricing" on all it’s vehicles. Experts say this will have no effect on GM’s profits seeing not even their employees are buying their cars.



SHALL WE DRINK???
College presidents from about 100 of the best-known U.S. universities are calling on lawmakers to consider lowering the drinking age from 21 to 18 to prevent binge drinking. That’s ridiculous. That’s like saying giving everyone a pound of pot will stop drug use.



BAD PEPPERS
Federal inspectors said they repeatedly turned back filthy, disease-ridden shipments of peppers from Mexico months before a salmonella outbreak, yet no government action was taken. You have to cut the FDA some slack. They are still trying to figure out what the hell is in a twinkie.



TOO YOUNG TO DRIVE
A 35-year-old Texas woman has been jailed after police say she made her 12-year-old daughter drive her to a bar to get drunk. That’s nothing new. My kids drive me to drink every day.



STUCK IN A RUT
A man in Hong Kong had to be cut free from a wooden park bench after he placed his penis in a hole and got stuck trying to have sex with it. Police later issued a "bench" warrant for the man. I guess that’s how they do "bench" presses in Hong Kong.

At least he never had to fork out his hard earned wages for a meal or chocolates and spend an entire evening telling the bench how attractive it was.

MCLAME DOES IT AGAIN
In a recent interview with "Blender Magazine" John McCain said his favorite musical group is ABBA and his favorite song is "Dancing Queen." So not only has McCain lost his dignity, but he's also lost something far more important...his MAN CARD!



BEER WORKS
A new study in England reveals beer goggles are real. The study proved that while drunk, men will take home a woman from a bar who looks like "Halle Berry," but when sober the next morning, she actually looks like "Franken Berry."



FINALLY, AFFORDABLE HOUSING
A house in Detroit has sold for $1. The sad thing is, because it’s Detroit, the house was priced way over market value.




IS THIS A WHOPPER OR WHOPPER JR.?
Some workers at an Xenia, OH, Burger King restaurant are in hot water with the health department, after an employee filmed himself taking a bubble bath in a store sink. I guess this gives new meaning to "Have it Your Way." All I have to say is "Dude, hold the pickle!"

The only thing that could have made this worse is if the creepy Burger King guy was drying him off afterwards.

EDWARDS LOVE CHILD
John Edwards is denying the child of his former mistress is his. Actually, all of America will be able to tell once the kid grows up and loses his first election.

CHINESE BEAT DOWN
China issued an apology for the beatings of two Japanese journalists who were covering a deadly assault by Muslim separatists. China officials said when you’re so used to beating the crap out of everyone, it’s difficult to tell the good guys from the bad.




THE BLAME GAME
The Rwandan Government issued a new report stating France played a major active role in the 1994 Rwanda Genocide. This shocked everyone due to the fact France has not played an active role in anything since never.




PUFF PUFF PASS
SaferChoice.org, a pro-marijuana group, has launched their "Drug Dealer Cindy" McCain campaign, targeting her beer company which the group considers more harmful than marijuana. This led a pro-marriage group to launch their "Adulterer, leave your wife in a wheelchair John" McCain ad.





PROTECT THE PUPPIES
German policewomen are now being issued and required to wear bullet-resistant bras. These will come in handy for those dangerous undercover assignments at the strip club.

You know, I think Cher already has a couple of these in her wardrobe.




GIVE ME A HIGH 6
Haramb Kumthekar, from India, holds the world record for most fingers and toes on a living person with 12 fingers, and 14 toes. This mean Haramb can actually count higher than anyone in West Virgina.

OBAMA IS IN THE LEAD
The latest polls show Barack Obama has a nine point lead over John McCain. That gives Barack a full three months to flip-flop, backslide, and go bowling to lose this race.




OILING UP THE PROFITS
The U.S. Government Accountability Office reports Iraq racked up $32.9 billion in oil profits so far this year. "Only $32.9 billion? With all the shady, illegal and fraudulent stuff we’ve done, that number should be waaaaay higher than that," said Dick Cheney.




"O"SO MUCH MONEY
Oprah Winfrey tops TV Guide’s list of highest paid TV stars earning a whopping $385 million a year. Combined with Steadman’s income, that total comes to $385 million and $87 dollars.




SNIPES HAS TO PAY
The IRS said actor Wesley Snipes must reimburse the government in prosecution costs for his tax conviction in the amount of $217,000. With the lack of success of his latest movies, he should have that debt paid off by 2055 after the release of "Blade 25"



STILL BREAKING RECORDS
"Batman: Dark Knight" continued to smash records by breaking the $400 million mark in only 18 days. The only other movie to break records that fast was "Norbit." It was at Blockbuster in 18 days.

HASTA LA VISTA EMPLOYMENT
California Governor Schwarzenegger is cutting 22,000 jobs due to the state’s economy. But not too worry. To fill those jobs, the Governor plans on driving by a Home Depot and picking up whomever is standing outside.



IT'S PARTY TIME!
The Princeton Review has named The University of Florida as the nation’s number one party school. This is partly due to several classes offered there. Mainly, Beer Pong 101, Advanced Quarters, and Philosophy: Truth or Dare.



PUFF PUFF PASS-OUT
Concerns are growing that China 's poor air quality could affect the Olympic games. To combat this, China plans on distracting visitors by beating each one mercilessly until they forget about the smog, and start worrying about their injuries.



EXTREME FORECLOSURE
A house built by "Extreme Makeover" for a Georgia family has gone into foreclosure. How bad is the economy when people can't even keep a house they get for free?




TO LIVE AND HATE IN LA
According to the LA Times, hate crimes in Los Angeles are at their highest level in five years. That’s mainly due to the performance of the Lakers in the NBA Finals.

CHEECH AND CHONG ARE BACKKKKK!
Cheech & Chong have announced they are getting back together. In a related story, marijuana production has increased 300% since the announcement.



CALIFORNIA DISASTERS
Southern California has been hit by an earthquake last week while northern California is suffering from wildfires. The only other disaster claiming more homes in California is Countrywide Mortgage.



CONGRESS FINALLY MAKING MOVES
Congress is moving to ban lead from toys and other kids goods. We shouldn’t expect too much too soon from Congress. They "JUST NOW" apologized for slavery.



A NEW SHOPPING EXPERIENCE
M. Lang Executive Attire, A Cleveland clothing store wants to make sure its customers are comfortable, so it has opened a bar in the middle of its sales floor. This will lead to a new pick-up line, "So, do you shop here often?"

And by the time your wife finally decides what she wants, you’ll be too hammered to know how much it costs.




OLDEST JOKE IN THE BOOK....LITERALLY
Researchers at the University of Wolverhampton, England, have discovered the world's oldest recorded joke. It has been traced back to 1900 BC. That’s odd. I thought the world’s oldest joke was George W. Bush.

The joke traces back to the Sumerians, who lived in what is now southern Iraq. Here’s the joke: "Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap." I guess you had to be there.