WHAT'S SHAKING?
A 5.4 earthquake rocked Los Angeles yesterday. Hollywood hasn’t shook that much since Kirstie Alley jumped for joy.



LABEOUF LACRASHES
"Indiana Jones" and "Transformers" star Shia LaBeouf was cleared of blame in a weekend collision because the other driver ran a red light. LaBeouf rolled his car in the accident transforming it into Optimus Wrecks.



APOLOGY LONG OVERDUE
The U.S. House issued a historic apology to Black Americans for the wrongs committed against them and their ancestors suffered under slavery and Jim Crow laws. And in a related story, the Romans are planning on apologizing to the Christians for that whole gladiator thing.




MORE FEES
Delta Air Lines on Tuesday doubled the fee to check a second bag for domestic flights to $50. So now it costs twice as much for a piece of luggage that you will never see again.



EIGHT....TEEN IS ENOUGH
A Romanian immigrant has given birth to her 18th child in British Columbia, making her the province's most prolific mother in 20 years. The husband said he now has to wear floaties and water wings while having sex just so he doesn’t fall in.

BATMAN SOARS
With theaters and online viewing, "Batman: Dark Night" could became the fastest movie ever to have 200 million viewers. The only other movie to have close to that amount was Pamela Anderson and Tommie Lee.




BUSH PASSING THE BUCK
President Bush says that we have economic problems because Wall Street got drunk and has a hangover. If that’s the case, the President should be arrested for drunk driving.



OLDER THAN DIRT
Frank Calloway of Alabama , became the states oldest living person when he turned 112 years old on Saturday. Frank said it seems like just yesterday he was in the playground getting wedgies and swirlies from John McCain.



GOLDEN GIRL PASSES
Estelle Getty from "The Golden Girls" died last week at the age of 84. Flags were ordered to be flown at half mast on walkers and wheel chairs everywhere.

IS FOX RACIST?
Protesters, including the rapper Nas, have denounced Fox News as being racist. Fox responded by saying, "We’re not racist. That Nas guy should just go drink a 40, smoke some weed, neglect his child support, and shut the hell up."




NO MORE SEX
A proposed New York law seeks to restrict sex in video games. The state prefers to keep the sex where it belongs...in the Governor’s Mansion.




MORE LOSSES FOR FORD
Ford lost a reported $8.7 Billion in the past quarter. Apparently their promotion of "Test drive a car, get free tickets to 'Don't Mess With The Zohan'" just didn’t pan out.



A NATIVE PROBLEM
The Navajo Nation said they may limit internet access on reservations due to high visits to internet porn sites. Apparently Native Americans have discovered a new version of the "dream catcher."




VACATIONING IN IRAQ
The Iraqi government is beginning to promote tourism to their country. It's a destination spot for the vacationer who just can’t seem to get enough bullet wounds in their own country.

GETTING A RAISE
About 2 million Americans get a raise Thursday as the federal minimum wage rises 70 cents. That’s 70 extra cents they don’t have to worry about spending on a house and a car they already lost.




BATMAN GIVES A BACK HAND
Britain's "Daily Mail" has reported that Christian Bale, star of the Batman movies, flew off the handle and got physical, after his mom made disparaging remarks about his wife. Bystanders on the scene could be heard yelling, "Holy Assault and Battery Batman!"




WILL SMITH SUPER PAID
Will Smith leads the pack this year after being named by Forbes magazine as Hollywood’s highest paid actor. The magazine said to make it fair to the other actors, they even threw in "Wild Wild West" and "Hitch."




MAN SETS DRINKING RECORD
Rhode Island Police arrested a drunk driver whose blood alcohol level was 0.491 percent - the highest ever recorded in the state for someone who wasn't dead. The only thing the man said was, "I had to drive because I was too drunk to walk."




GREAT BALLS OF FIRE
Two practical jokers are behind bars for setting their passed-out drinking buddy's crotch ablaze while boozing in Grover Beach, CA. Hey, it could have been worse. At least they didn’t try to stomp out the fire.

NY TIMES vs MCCAIN
The New York Times rejected an op-ed piece that John McCain wrote defending his Iraq war policy, and blasting Barack Obama for Obama’s op-ed piece about McCain last week. Apparently, McCain’s argument of "I’m rubber and you’re glue" didn’t go over too well with the Times.




LENO OUT!
Jay Leno says he's officially done with NBC after his contract runs out in 2009. So after Leno’s departure, the best thing left on the network will be the commercials.




DMX IN MORE TROUBLE
Rapper DMX was arrested over the weekend in a mall in Phoenix. Apparently, not everyone was thrilled with his performance as the new cashier at Cinnabon.




GREY AREA
Shonda Rhimes, creator of "Grey’s Anatomy," is considering killing off Katherine Heigl's character due to remarks Heigl made about the show’s writers. Now if they could just find a way to kill off the show.




PARDON THIS BEAT DOWN
Gang members in Modesto, CA, who beat a stabbed a sleeping man, later apologized to the victim when they discovered he was the wrong person. What is this? Polite thugs? What’s next? Doing a drive-by and holding the gun with their pinkies up?

BATMAN TAKES FLIGHT
"Batman: Dark Knight" set box office records this weekend by selling more than $155 million in tickets. Hollywood hasn’t seen a box office smash like this since Lindsay Lohan crashed her truck through the front door of Mann’s Chinese Theater.




ROLLING IN THE DOUGH
Barack Obama’s campaign raised $55 million dollars last month making it his best month ever. He said a third will go to his campaign, a third will go to Hillary Clinton’s debt, and the final third will go towards buying a muzzle for Jesse Jackson.



BUSH SCARING THE KIDS
At a T-Ball game yesterday, a little girl was given the chance to meet President Bush and instead of shaking his hand, she began to cry and ran away. This little girl sounds an awful lot like John McCain.

So, much like the President’s approval ratings, this girl was going, going, gone!!!!!!




KATIE IS STAYING
CBS released a statement saying Katie Couric is going to stay with the network. Loud screams of rejoice and jubilation could be heard all over the newsroom...at ABC, NBC and FOX.




INDY CAT FIGHT
Danika Patrick got into a heated argument with Indy Car’s other female driver Milka Duno over the weekend after Patrick felt Duno got in her way a few times. Next time these two go at, I suggest some mud or jello be involved. I mean, sports ARE for the fans right?

WHAT'S NEXT JESSE? CRUMP DANCING?
Fox News now reports Jesse Jackson referred to Barack Obama as the “N” word while off camera. Jackson could later be heard saying he was going to bust a cap in McCain’s ass the next time he’s ridin’ dirty.




GET A CLUE CONGRESS
According to a Gallup Poll, only 14% of Americans approve of the job of Congress. Americans haven’t seen ratings this low since the TV show with the Gieco Cavemen.




BIRTH OF A NEW GENERATION
A new census report shows a record 4.3 million babies were born in the U.S. last year. WOW! That Kevin Federline really gets around!

A new census report shows a record 4.3 million babies were born in the U.S. last year. It's good to know the NBA is doing it's part to give back to the community.




THE NEW iPHONE
Apple sold one million of its new 3G iPhones last weekend. People are already starting to line-up for this weekend’s sale of the NEWER model.




YOU DIRTY RAT
Debbie Miller, the woman accused of planting a dead lab rat in restaurant food and demanding $500,000, was charged with extortion this week. Let’s just hope they don't put her in the kitchen while she's in jail.

BASEBALL ALL NIGHT
The American League beat the National League in the longest ever All-Star game last night. The game took so long, A-Rod had enough time to convert to Kabbalah, Scientology, then back Christianity.




MENU CHANGES
Dog meat has been ordered taken off Beijing restaurants during the Summer Olympics. Now, dogs all over will be sneaking out of the city like they were on the underground railroad.




MCCAIN GETS SOME HELP
John McCain's has hired a new speech coach to help him look more comfortable on camera. Apparently, talking out of both sides of his mouth was not polling too well.



NEW ORLEANS IS BACK ON TOP
According to the Census Bureau, New Orleans earned the title of "Fastest Growing" city in the US in 2007. That’s much better than its previous title...Fastest "Rising" City.



IS IT OVER???
TMZ is reporting Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman have broken up. Apparently, she realized being attached to the human Pillsbury Doughboy could only take her career so far.

SATIRE OR HATE
"New Yorker" magazine cover showing Barack Obama dressed as a Muslim and his wife as a terrorist has sparked outrage among it’s readers. What’s even more outrageous is the fact the New Yorker actually has readers.



POLITICS IN NASCAR
Barack Obama has turned down a possible NASCAR sponsorship. Apparently he feels he has far too many teeth to sponsor a car.



CLEAN BILL OF HEALTH
Dick Cheney's doctors say that his heart is beating normally for a 67 year old man who has had four heart attacks. His soul on the other hand, has been on life support for years.



FOUNDER PASSES
Rocky Aoki, the founder of Benihana restaurants has died at age 69. His funeral plans call for him to be fried, chopped, and flipped onto the plates of all the guests.




GOD ON TRIAL
A Tennessee man is suing a Knoxville church after he claims he injured himself while consumed by the spirit of God. He later dropped his lawsuit when he claimed to hear the voice of God tell him to “Take it like a man, and walk it off.”

One parishioner said, “I think the only spirit that consumed this man was Jack Daniels”

UNITED WE FALL
Miss USA takes a tumble for the second year in a row at the Miss Universe Pageant last night. Miss USA representatives have now fallen more often than Britney Spears' kids.





BERNIE GETS BOO'D
Bernie Mac was heckled by the audience and drew criticism from Barack Obama as he opened for Obama at a recent fundraiser. People said an opening act hadn’t gone THAT wrong since the orchestra performed on the Titanic.





SPIKE STILL STEAMED
Spike Lee says the Rev. Jesse Jackson's needs to make a better apology for his crudely phrased criticism of Barack Obama. Jackson fired back by saying Spike Lee needs to make a better apology for “Girl 6,” “Jungle Fever,” and The New York Knicks.





HELL OF A MOVIE
“Hellboy II” was number one at the box office this weekend by bringing in over $35 million. Dick Cheney said he was disappointed when he learned Hellboy wasn’t a movie about his childhood.






GIVE THAT MAN A SITTING OVATION
Jim Purol, an Anaheim man, set a Guinness World Record last week for "Most Seats Sat in 48 Hours" by sitting in 39,250 seats of the Rose Bowl. Can you imagine the DNA, psoriasis, allergens and bodily fluids that must be sticking to his butt? Talk about reach out and touch someone!

President Bush wasn’t impressed and said, “If sitting on your ass could set a record, MY name should be all over the record books for Katrina, the economy, gas prices, Iraq, the mortgage crisis…etc…etc...etc.”

LISTEN HERE
President Bush signed a bill Thursday that gives the government the ability to eavesdrop on our phone calls without fear of prosecution. This means Bush can listen in on our calls whenever he likes. Hopefully he taps into the phone calls of a middle school and actually learns something.




STRIKE LOOMS
The Screen Actors Guild rejected the latest contract offer from Hollywood studios on Thursday making an actor’s strike almost inevitable. Many people involved wondered why the strike couldn’t have taken place before “The Love Guru” and "Baby Mama" were made.





PICS FOR SALE
Brad an Angelina were offered $16million for the first photo of their new twins. The couple’s agent said they will accept the offer in order to offset the cost of the $16 million spent on buying their other kids.



BAD XXX HABIT
Peter Cook, Christie Brinkley’s new ex-husband, admitted during divorce proceedings, he spent more than $3,000 a month on porn. That is truly disgusting. I mean, doesn’t he know porn is FREE on the internet?



BUSTED!!!
The Dallas Police Dept. found 50 lbs or $400,000 of cocaine in a secret compartment in the trunk of a car they seized from a drug bust, and had been driving as a police vehicle for two months. Or at least that’s the cops’ story and they’re sticking to it.