FREEDOM AIN'T FREE
Zimbabwe President Robert Mugabe was sworn in Sunday just hours after officials said he won a "discredited" election. Now the people of Zimbabwe know exactly how Americans of 2000 & 2004 felt.





THE BIG THREE
John McCain met Sunday with evangelist Billy Graham and his son, Franklin, to discuss political matters. These three are more commonly referred to by the oil companies as, “The Holy Trinity.”





THE FED HOLDING OFF
The Federal Reserve may be hesitant to raise interest rates ahead of the U.S. election in November as such a move could be seen as detrimental to the current administration. That’s good. Because the Iraq war, gas prices, and the economy in no way will be seen as detrimental to the current administration.





READY TO STRIKE
Actors are set to strike on Monday as the contract between the Screen Actors Guild and the Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers expires. Many producers say the strike is worth it if it means no more movies like “The Love Guru,” “The Happening,” and “The Strangers.”





STRANGE BEDFELLOWS
Sen. Larry Craig, who was caught playing footsie in an airport bathroom, and Sen. David Vitter, who was on the D.C. Madam's list, have joined six others as co-sponsors of the new "Marriage Protection Amendment." Really? Isn’t that like R. Kelly and Michael Jackson sponsoring the “No Child Left Behind” Amendment.

With those two, it’s more like, “Leave No Child’s Behind…..Alone”

NADER IS STILL AROUND
Ralph Nader made an appearance yesterday by telling a local newspaper he thinks Barack Obama is trying to “talk white” and play up the “white guilt” card. To which the Obama campaign responded, “Ralph who?




SELLING THE SHIRT OF HIS BACK
The Gatorade-stained shirt worn by Boston Celtics coach Doc Rivers as the team won the NBA championship, has been auctioned for $55,000. After checking E-Bay, there are still no bids for Kobe Bryant’s tears.



MO MONEY MO MONEY MO MONEY
India and China have seen the highest growth of millionaires in the world. To show their appreciation, each country has dedicated a statue of President Bush. China’s statue depicts Bush assembling a lead-filled toy, while India’s statue shows Bush answering the phone for outsourced tech support.



NEW OPTIONS
Chrysler has announced many of it's new 2009 models will now have wireless internet as an option for car buyers. So now, when drivers get into accidents for surfing the web, they can google attorneys immediately.




EXTREME SPORTS
About 300 contestants from across the country came together in a Las Vegas Hotel this week to determine the national champion of the game, “Rock, Paper, Scissors.” Odds of 2 to 1 came out that there would be about 300 people in that hotel that wouldn’t get laid.

BILL BACK ON THE TRAIL?
Bill Clinton publicly says he is willing to do whatever it takes to help elect Barack Obama as president. The Obama campaign asked Bill to do what he does best...Take one for the team and keep the fat chicks away from the tour bus.




MADE FOR EACH OTHER
Barack Obama and Hilary Clinton will appear together this week for unity meetings. At their first stop, they will perform “Riverdance” in clogs on “America’s Got Talent.”





SOMETHING SHADY'S GOING ON
A new report shows law students were rejected for Justice Department jobs due to their liberal views or objections to President Bush’s politics on their resumes. The main reason for the rejections were the fact these students showed up to the interview...with a resume.





STIMULATE MY DEBT
About $2 billion in economic stimulus rebate checks are being confiscated to pay overdue bills for child support, student loans and back taxes. “Oh Crap!!” yelled NBA players, doctors, and Wesley Snipes.





SHAQ STRIPPED OF BADGE
Shaquille O’Neal will lose his special deputy’s badge in Maricopa County because of language he used in a rap video that mocks former teammate Kobe Bryant. Sheriff Arpaoi said it wasn't so much the rap as it was “Steel,” “Blue Chip,” and “Kazaam.”

WNBA IS FANNNNNTASIC
Fans witnessed a rare feat when Candice Parker of the WNBA dunked the basketball during a game last night. What was even more rare was the fact there were actually fans at a WNBA game.



SHAQ-FU STRIKES BACK
Shaquille O’Neal ripped into Kobe Bryant for two minutes non-stop as he performed a freestyle rap Sunday night. The crowd became unruly and upset. Not because Shaq was dissing Kobe. But because Shaq actually rapped for two minutes non-stop.



IMUS BEING IMUS - ROUND TWO
Don Imus sparked controversy again on the air when talking about the arrests of football player Pacman Jones. After Imus’ producer said Pacman is "African-American," Imus responded, "There you go. Now we know." This officially makes Don Imus the White Al Sharpton.



OH WHAT A TANGLED WEB WE WEAVE
As it turns out, the photo of the Lost Amazon tribe was a hoax. The photographer came clean yesterday saying he just wanted to bring awareness to the area. Now we’re waiting to see if the photographer for President Bush’s last 7 yrs will come out and say it was all a hoax.



WEEKEND AT BERNIE'S?
A Los Angeles man was arrested for digging up the body of his ex-wife and sitting her on his couch for two weeks. Here’s my question. Why is it, when you dig up a body in a cemetery, it’s a crime, but if you dig up a body in another country, it’s called “Archeology?”

JUNO PART II
Seventeen high school girls in Massachusetts got pregnant at the same time in what may have been a pact. Turns out, all of these girls got pregnant after attending the Boston Celtics Championship After-Party.




VIVA LA FRANCE
France recently announced they are going to scale down and cut back on troops in their "great military." Really? That’s like Kevin Federline saying he’s going to scale down and cut back on making all those "platinum albums."





STOP THE RAIDS
Three West Coast mayors are asking the leaders of other cities to take a stand against workplace immigration raids by government officials. A compromise was reached. Instead of deporting the illegals, the government will now deport the mayors.




MODEL OF SERVICE
Naomi Campbell was given 200 hours of community service over her air rage incident in England. The judge said Campbell would do the community the greatest service if she would just “stop modeling.”




HER SECRET IS OUT
A 52 year old woman is suing Victoria's Secret after one of their thongs broke and injured her. This is just outrageous. I mean, why is a 52 yr old woman wearing a thong in the first place?

I'm thinking, if she doesn't know how to wear a thong, maybe she needs to start wearing a helmet.

THE COOKIE MONSTER
Cindy McCain is being accused of stealing yet another “family” recipe, this time from Hershey’s. Why does Cindy McCain have recipes anyway? The only thing a Barbie doll trophy wife needs to make is reservations.

And seriously, she is married to John McCain. How many different ways can you make Metamucil?



BUSH BRINGS RELIEF
President Bush toured areas of the Midwest devastated by floods on Thursday. The President said aid, food, water, and rescuers will be arriving....as soon as the government can find a way to make money off the situation.




BARACK THE FLOPPER
Barack Obama decided to flip-flop and walk away from public financing after agreeing to it earlier in the year. Not to be outdone, John McCain immediately decided to flip-flop on....everything.....again.




A NEW BABY
17 year old Jamie Lynn Spears, sister of Britney, has just given birth to a baby girl named Maddie Briann. Maddie Briann? This further proves, you can take the girl out of the trailer park, but you can’t take the trailer park out of the girl.

HELLOOOOO NURSE
According to the Bureau of Labor, health care employment continued to grow in the first few months of 2008 making it the most popular industry in the United States. The least popular industry in the US right now?...playing for the L.A. Lakers.





PEACE BEGINS
A truce between Israel and Gaza militants went into effect early Thursday, with the aim of halting militant attacks. President Bush commented by saying bringing peace to the middle east was a lot easier than bringing peace to those big super powers of the 90's...Tupac and Notorious B.I.G.




TO CATCH A PREDATOR
In a speech yesterday, Barack Obama said if Bin Laden is captured, we must not make him a martyr but humiliate him instead. Plans are now in the works to get Bin Laden a spot on “Dancing With The Stars.”




ONLY IN AMERICA
A woman in Ashland, OR says she plans to be in the city’s Fourth of July parade topless, wearing nothing but a hemp G-string. What better way to show your patriotism than to show off those new boobies made from American plastic.




DOG GONE-IT
Leona Helmsley's dog, Trouble, had his trust fund reduced $12 million to $2 million. I believe the dog has appealed the verdict under the “every dog has his day” law. I'm sure the press will be hounding him for information. Maybe a flea bargain can be worked out.

THE FINAL BEAT DOWN
The Boston Celtics won the NBA championship by destroying the LA Lakers 131-92. After the first quarter, Kobe Bryant was nowhere to be found. “The guy just vanished. It was almost as if he owed the Celtics child support,” said one reporter.



RAINBOW LOVE
Yesterday, was the first full day of gay marriages in California. This led to celebration as gay people all over the state went out last night to paint the town red…and pink….and fuchsia….and lavender…etc…etc




NOT WELCOMED
Rome's diocese has banned "The Da Vinci Code” from filming in it’s churches because the movie "does not conform to our views," said a spokesman. Apparently, the movie needs to have more altar boys.




THE HITS JUST KEEP COMING
Oakland Raiders wide receiver Javon Walker was found unconscious on the streets of Las Vegas on Monday morning. Police reports show Walker had a heart attack and just passed out once he realized he actually signed with the Oakland raiders.




A CLEAN KIDNAPPING
An Italian was accused with kidnapping his ex-girlfriend, only to bring her to his home, and force her to do his laundry. Now, here's my question:
What did he have to GAIN by this? The ex girlfriend will obviously CHEER at his sentencing. Will he serve his sentence ALL at once? He could be exonerated if the TIDE turns in his favor. Maybe he can find love and SNUGGLE with his new cell-mates.

THE GORE-ACLE
Al Gore officially endorsed Barack Obama Monday night in Detroit Michigan. This looks like it’s over for McCain. Now, the fat lady AND the fat man are singing.



GOING TO THE CHAPEL
Many gay couples were married Monday night after California became the second state to allow same-sex marriages. A protestor yelled “Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed.” Oh yes, because the sanctity of the Britney Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would definitely be destroyed by the gays.

And it’s obvious gay parents will raise gay children…since straight parents only raise straight children.



NEED TO GO TO REHAB
Singer Amy Winehouse fainted at her home on Monday and had to be rushed to the hospital. Test results came back showing she had so much cocaine in her system, if she were to get cut, she would actually bleed perfectly packaged kilos.



SAY WHAT?
A New Orleans man faces up to 40 years in prison after police found he was wearing a diaper containing 257 grams of heroin. In his defense, the suspect maintained the heroin was 'black tar baby powder.' It’s good to see the cops were just doing their doody.



A HOLY NAME
A school bus driver and amateur artist from Chicago, Ill. has become the first person to legally changed his name to "In God We Trust." This prompted Dick Cheney to immediately change his name to “In Oil We Trust.”

DON'T GIVE A RAT'S ASS
Over the weekend, a pest-removal company trapped and removed 788 rats from an infested house in Sutherland, Oregon. No police report was filed after they learned it was just President Bush holding a cabinet meeting.

Later it was discovered the house was owned by the Piped Piper but unfortunately, he had been recently foreclosed on and evicted.



HAPPY FATHER'S DAY
Yesterday was Father’s Day. Or as 60% of the kids in America call it, “Mother’s Day.”



IT'S INCREDIBLE AT THE BOX OFFICE
The “Incredible Hulk” took top spot at the box office this weekend by bringing in $54 million. For those who don’t know, after taking a foreign substance, Dr. Banner turns into a big green creature with unbelievable strength and anger. In other words, he could be the love child of Shrek and Barry Bonds.



I BELIEVE I CAN LIE
R. Kelly was acquitted Friday of all child molestation charges. He said he was so happy, he’s planning a tour with Michael Jackson. They’re calling it the “Tainted Love” tour.



A GIANT RETIREMENT
New York Giant Michael Strahan retired last week after 15 yrs in the NFL. Strahan said he wants to spend more time perfecting his new hobby of biting off the caps of beer bottles.