Let's Go For A Dip

Bill Haggerty said he heard a thunderous, splashing crash outside his bedroom. He rushed outside only to see a maroon sport utility vehicle with its back end submerged in his swimming pool. Now normally, I would applaud someone who carpools with their SUV, but this is ridiculous.

I wonder, did the GPS keep saying "Turn left, now?" I guess GPS now stands for Going Pool Side

I looked this vehicle up on Carfax.com. It is listed as "Recently cleaned interior"

Who's Ya Mummy?

Detroit police say they've found the partially mummified body of a woman in her 80s on the kitchen floor of a house where her mentally troubled sister was living. Police say the body had been there for one to three years. Many men aren't shocked stating they've lived with a mummified body ever since they got married.

The report goes on to say the family dog survived by munching on the remains. When reached for comment, the dog said she tastes just like chicken.

Self-Gratifiation is Healthy

A new study claims that men who masturbate at least five times a week have a lower chance of getting prostate cancer. Now wait a minute, if this were the case, no man would EVER get prostate cancer.

At least now, when the wife walks in on you while you're "punchin' the munchkin," you can say, "Hey hun, I'm just doing this for you and the kids. You want me to be healthy right?"

The Freaks Come Out At Night

CNN reporter Richard Quest was arrested in Central Park with crystal meth, a rope tied around his neck and genitals and with a sex toy in his boot. Or as Rob Lowe calls it, "A typical Saturday night with the nanny."

King-Size Contract

TV host Larry King has just signed a contract extension with CNN through 2010. This gives Larry just enough time to marry and divorce four more women before he retires.

Doesn't Larry look like he should be running around saying, "Me precious. I needs me precious."

Friday Pic of The Week

I guess this is what Hillary means when she says she's in the solutions business.

Blade, Don't Drop The Soap

Wesley Snipes was sentenced to three years in prison Thursday for failing to file tax returns over the past three years and fines of over $2.5 million. The judge said Snipes should be happy. He could have sentenced him to ten years just based on "Passenger 57" alone.

On The Run!!!

Wildlife officials say fifteen monkeys are on the loose after swimming across their island pond and escaping the facility in Lakeland, Fla. Without missing a beat, Hillary Clinton said she wants their votes counted too.

All fifteen monkeys learned to swim, which they weren't supposed to be able to do. Wow, swimming? What's next, talking? Then driving? Then world domination? Where the hell is Charlton Heston when you need him? Dammmm Dirty Apes!!!

The New Couple - D-Star

Since news broke that Star Jones filed for divorce from Al, she is already being linked to Miami Heat guard Dwayne Wade. The two were recently spotted together at a Miami-area tennis tournament. In D-Wade's defense, he said taking Star to the match was part of his parole's community service program. He now regrets more than ever trying to stab Shaq.

I've Got Your Back...Side

Brian Persaud, the injured construction worker who sued a New York hospital and emergency room staff for giving him an unwanted rectal exam, will not receive any compensation from the hospital according to court records. OK, here goes:

- Wow, he just got a bum wrap.
- The case was not all it was cracked up to be.
- The staff just wanted to anal-yze the situation.
- The doctor just wanted to get to the bottom of thngs.
- The rectal exam is only illegal, if the guy felt two hands on his back.
- Siskel & Ebert saw the tape and gave it "Two Thumbs IN"

Bottoms Up

In London, a man is offering to pay people to drive his grandfather from the nursing home to the local pub to drink with him and get him laid. Paying people to drink and have sex? Don't we already have that in America? It's called Congress.

Who's The Baby Daddy?

DNA testing has started on the more than 400 kids from the polygamist compound in Texas. To save the state massive amounts of money, the fathers of the children said they will come forward voluntarily...after the NBA Finals.

Cash For Grades

Students at Wilby High School in CT who get passing grades on tests will receive cash rewards up to $100. It's alot better than what the students at Oprah Winfrey's African school receive after doing well on tests....sexual harrassment.

Captured at Last

Bin Laden's number two man was captured recently, and surprisingly, it had nothing to do with the military. Apparently, Al-Zarqawi responded to an internet dating ad, and when he showed up to the woman's house, Chris Hanson jumped out of the closet.

Bush on TV?

Last week President Bush made a cameo appearance on "Deal or No Deal." Laura Bush also made her TV debut by hosting an hour on the "Today Show." Now inside reports tell us the Bush twins will be staring in their own TV show, "Law & Order: STD."

Amen!

In Sidney, Ohio, to reach out to new people, a church is now holding it's services in a country western bar. I guess all bars are a religious. Especially on Friday nights...you're always praying to get laid.

Although it would be kind of wierd to hear the Pastor say, "Take this, break, and eat, for this chicken wing is the flesh." I don't think Jesus is supposed to taste like Honey Bar-B-Que.

High Karate

In Tamp, Fl, a Karate instructor was convicted for pleasuring himself in front of his underage students. Prosecutors said they were able to win due in part to the seldom used "Tae Kwon Don't" statute also known as the "Wax On Wax Off" rule.

Mo' Money, Mo' Problems, Part II

Britney Spears has been ordered by a judge to pay $372,000 in legal fees to her attorneys for work they have done. Her lawyers said they would gladly allow her to keep the money if she would use it for singing lessons.

Tomorrow, Tomorrow, I Love Ya, Tomorrow

Last night, the remaining contestants on American Idol wowed us with their renditions of Broadway show tunes. “I would have done a lot better if they had let me where that dress from ‘Annie’,” said Ryan Seacrest

Keep Hope Alive

Hillary Clinton met expectations last night by winning the Pennsylvania primary last by ten points. Now she moves on to scare the bejeesus out of a whole new state.

During her victory speech, she said she wanted to thank the three people who made her win possible....Hillary.....Rodham....Clinton.