Peace In The Middle East

Former President Jimmy Carter met with Hamas, a terrorist group, and successfully negotiated a peace deal between the group and Israel. President Carter said his next attempt to bring about peace between two bitter rivals will be to sit down with Hillary and Barack.

Ode To Mother Earth

Today is Earth Day. A day in which Mother Earth is celebrated with "green" activities taking place all over the world. What's the worst part about Earth Day? 20,000 trees will be killed to write 10,000 reports about it.

Tag...You're It

A school principal in Los Angeles has banned the game of tag because it promotes intense sexual aggression. He says if children are going to be subjected to intense sexual aggression, it should be by the teachers NOT by other students.

The McView

Cindy McCain is set to co-host "The View" this week. I guess that settles it. John McCain IS in favor of torture.

Failure IS An Option.

A new survey now shows 98 out of 100 people consider the Bush Presidency a complete failure. What about the other two people? Well, the Bush twins were too drunk to respond to the survey.

Women's Lib

Danica Patrick became the first woman to win an Indy Car race this weekend by taking the checkered flag in the Indy Japan 300. What's more impressive, she didn't have to stop and ask for directions to do it.

No word yet if she was putting on her make-up while driving.

Batter Up

A new report shows that only 8% of Major League Baseball players are African-American. The other 92% are....good.

Puff Puff Pass

TMZ is reporting rapper Snoop Dog is coming out with a series of children’s books. The first two are titled, "Horton Hears a Ho," and "Green Eggs and Hemp."

A Holy Trip

The Pope wrapped up his U.S. visit on Sunday by holding mass in New York at Yankee Stadium. He prayed for children, minorities, and the New York Knicks.


TOP FIVE MOST EMBARRASSING THINGS SAID BY PRESIDENT BUSH DURING THE POPE'S VISIT

1. "So, where's the misses?"
2. "You know, last time I saw you, you looked Polish."
3. "And now, the man who puts the ho in holiness... "
4. "These three Catholic priests walked into a bar... "
5. "Now about Iraq, what would Jesus do?"

That's Just Gay

This weekend in San Diego, The Log Cabin Republicans,a group of openly gay politicians, held their national convention. All two of them.

Sen. Larry Craig was scheduled as the guest speaker but for some reason, couldn't make it out the bathroom.

About Damn Time

Alton Logan, a Chicago man, was released from prison after serving 26 years for a crime he didn't commit. I don't think Alton has fully grasped what year it is though. He said the first thing he's going to do is get those jive turkeys who put him away.

Shake, Rattle, and Roll

Residents in the Chicago area felt the aftershocks of a 5.2 magnitude earthquake today which rattled skyscrapers in the downtown Loop section. Bystanders said there hasn't been this much shaking and damage since Oprah jumped up and down for joy.

Bystanders said there hasn't been this much vibration since the Porn Convention last week.

Kids Having Kids

The Texas Polygamists were back in court today where documents provided showed girls were having sex as young as thirteen and having children as young as fifteen. "I don't see a problem with that. Thirteen is middle-age to me," said R-Kelly

Friday Pic of The Week

This poster was recently discovered hanging over the bed of President Bush.

Giving Til It Hurts

Tax records show former NY Governor Eliot Spitzer made over $300,000 last year. Records also show he gave about $30,000 to Charity...and Destiny...and Diamond...and Jesica...etc...etc...etc.

Can You Hear Me Now?

AT&T Inc. on Friday said it plans to cut about 4,600 jobs, or 1.5 percent of its work force due to inefficiency. A company official said this move should help cut those long waits on hold for customer service down to about four hours now.

AT&T said they want to do everything they can to improve service. They are willing to listen to every complaint and hear every argument on what they need to do better. They were even nice enough to supply us with a number you can complain too......1-800-VERIZON.

State of The Troops

In a recent study, roughly one in every five U.S. troops returning from Iraq has some type of mental problem. At least that will be their story after they get their hands on President Bush.

F.A.T. NOT P.H.A.T.

A new survey says that in America, weight discrimination is almost as prevalent as race discrimination if not more so. This discrimination has lead to fat people everywhere organizing the first "Million Mayonaisse March." No word yet if Farrakan will speak.

UPDATE: The "Million Mayonaisse March" was cancelled after participants learned they actually had to march.

Shoot 'Em Up

Florida has just passed a new law allowing people to take their guns to work as long as the gun is in plain view. This should definitely change the mood in those employee evaluation meetings.

In a related story, mid-level management pistol whippings have increased 200%.

Debate Debacle

Since ABC broadcasted the debate last night, it has been receiving harsh criticism for it's one sided and tabloid type questions. An anonymous ABC rep said, " We haven't received this much negative press about a show since we aired "The Crack Chronicles with Whitney Houston."