BASEBALL ALL NIGHT
The American League beat the National League in the longest ever All-Star game last night. The game took so long, A-Rod had enough time to convert to Kabbalah, Scientology, then back Christianity.




MENU CHANGES
Dog meat has been ordered taken off Beijing restaurants during the Summer Olympics. Now, dogs all over will be sneaking out of the city like they were on the underground railroad.




MCCAIN GETS SOME HELP
John McCain's has hired a new speech coach to help him look more comfortable on camera. Apparently, talking out of both sides of his mouth was not polling too well.



NEW ORLEANS IS BACK ON TOP
According to the Census Bureau, New Orleans earned the title of "Fastest Growing" city in the US in 2007. That’s much better than its previous title...Fastest "Rising" City.



IS IT OVER???
TMZ is reporting Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman have broken up. Apparently, she realized being attached to the human Pillsbury Doughboy could only take her career so far.

SATIRE OR HATE
"New Yorker" magazine cover showing Barack Obama dressed as a Muslim and his wife as a terrorist has sparked outrage among it’s readers. What’s even more outrageous is the fact the New Yorker actually has readers.



POLITICS IN NASCAR
Barack Obama has turned down a possible NASCAR sponsorship. Apparently he feels he has far too many teeth to sponsor a car.



CLEAN BILL OF HEALTH
Dick Cheney's doctors say that his heart is beating normally for a 67 year old man who has had four heart attacks. His soul on the other hand, has been on life support for years.



FOUNDER PASSES
Rocky Aoki, the founder of Benihana restaurants has died at age 69. His funeral plans call for him to be fried, chopped, and flipped onto the plates of all the guests.




GOD ON TRIAL
A Tennessee man is suing a Knoxville church after he claims he injured himself while consumed by the spirit of God. He later dropped his lawsuit when he claimed to hear the voice of God tell him to “Take it like a man, and walk it off.”

One parishioner said, “I think the only spirit that consumed this man was Jack Daniels”

UNITED WE FALL
Miss USA takes a tumble for the second year in a row at the Miss Universe Pageant last night. Miss USA representatives have now fallen more often than Britney Spears' kids.





BERNIE GETS BOO'D
Bernie Mac was heckled by the audience and drew criticism from Barack Obama as he opened for Obama at a recent fundraiser. People said an opening act hadn’t gone THAT wrong since the orchestra performed on the Titanic.





SPIKE STILL STEAMED
Spike Lee says the Rev. Jesse Jackson's needs to make a better apology for his crudely phrased criticism of Barack Obama. Jackson fired back by saying Spike Lee needs to make a better apology for “Girl 6,” “Jungle Fever,” and The New York Knicks.





HELL OF A MOVIE
“Hellboy II” was number one at the box office this weekend by bringing in over $35 million. Dick Cheney said he was disappointed when he learned Hellboy wasn’t a movie about his childhood.






GIVE THAT MAN A SITTING OVATION
Jim Purol, an Anaheim man, set a Guinness World Record last week for "Most Seats Sat in 48 Hours" by sitting in 39,250 seats of the Rose Bowl. Can you imagine the DNA, psoriasis, allergens and bodily fluids that must be sticking to his butt? Talk about reach out and touch someone!

President Bush wasn’t impressed and said, “If sitting on your ass could set a record, MY name should be all over the record books for Katrina, the economy, gas prices, Iraq, the mortgage crisis…etc…etc...etc.”

LISTEN HERE
President Bush signed a bill Thursday that gives the government the ability to eavesdrop on our phone calls without fear of prosecution. This means Bush can listen in on our calls whenever he likes. Hopefully he taps into the phone calls of a middle school and actually learns something.




STRIKE LOOMS
The Screen Actors Guild rejected the latest contract offer from Hollywood studios on Thursday making an actor’s strike almost inevitable. Many people involved wondered why the strike couldn’t have taken place before “The Love Guru” and "Baby Mama" were made.





PICS FOR SALE
Brad an Angelina were offered $16million for the first photo of their new twins. The couple’s agent said they will accept the offer in order to offset the cost of the $16 million spent on buying their other kids.



BAD XXX HABIT
Peter Cook, Christie Brinkley’s new ex-husband, admitted during divorce proceedings, he spent more than $3,000 a month on porn. That is truly disgusting. I mean, doesn’t he know porn is FREE on the internet?



BUSTED!!!
The Dallas Police Dept. found 50 lbs or $400,000 of cocaine in a secret compartment in the trunk of a car they seized from a drug bust, and had been driving as a police vehicle for two months. Or at least that’s the cops’ story and they’re sticking to it.

RE-ACTION JACKSON
The Rev. Jesse Jackson apologized Wednesday for what he called "regretfully crude" comments made about Barack Obama. Jackson said he thought the microphone was off when he made the comment. What is even more shocking about this story is the fact anyone could even understand what the hell Jesse Jackson said in the first place.




FINALLY ABSOLVED
Prosecutors say new DNA test evidence finally clears JonBenet Ramsey's family more than ten years after her death. Police said they would have tried to solve the case sooner, but there was an increase in jaywalking throughout the city that had to be stopped.




BUSH HAS A B-DAY
President Bush turned 62 over the weekend. It must tear him up on the inside to be twice as old as his approval rating.




LENNY & SQUIGGY
Lenny Kravitz and A-Rod’s wife, Cynthia, were in Kravitz's tour bus when the reports broke about their affair in Paris. Kravitz denied the rumor. Now, that makes no sense. He denies an affair, while he’s on his tour bus, with the alleged woman from the affair, in Paris. That’s like Bill Clinton saying, “I did not have sexual relations with that woman,” while she’s under the podium, at the press conference.




DOG GONNIT
One of the latest and weirdest trends, is dog owners are now joining their pets in “Holy “Mutt-rimony.” Dog weddings are the new thing. One of the problems with this however, is from time to time, the groom has interrupted the vows to lick his own butt.

One recently married groom could be overheard saying, “Hey, life’s a bitch...so I married one.”

OBAMA TO SPEAK AT STADIUM
Barack Obama has decided to give his Democratic nomination acceptance speech at Invesco Field, home of the Denver Broncos. Not to be outdone, John McCain said he will now give his acceptance speech in the place he grew up in, fought to survive, and is much bigger than Invesco Field….The Roman Coliseum.



THE LADY DOTH PROTEST TOO MUCH
A woman, her sister and four kids were kicked off a Southwest flight on Tuesday after they were deemed by the airline to be "unruly." It turns out, the passengers became upset when they found out only the pilots get alcohol for free.



CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?
A new study shows that the deadliest job in America now goes to the people who construct, upgrade, and repair cell phone towers. So it appears "minutes" aren’t the only things rolling over.



PUFF PUFF PASS
According to a recent study, almost half of all Americans have smoked pot. The study also shows the number 1 activity of these Americans is driving home late at night, at 20 mph, on the freeway, and pulling over every 10 minutes because they thought the taxi cab behind them was a police car.





MORE LAYOFFS
American Airlines is preparing for another round of massive job cuts. The airline figures they only need half the employees since they make you walk halfway to your destination just to get to the gate.

THE GOVERNATOR SAYS "I'LL BE BACK!"
Arnold Schwarzenegger's apologized for his lowest approval ratings as California Governor saying he will turn it around. No word yet as to whether he’ll apologize for "Kindergarten Cop," “Twins,” and “Jingle All The way.”




1-900-MISTAKE
The Family Health Administration in Annapolis MD , made a huge error by mistakenly publishing a sex hotline phone number instead of it’s own job hotline number on it’s website. Officials began to notice when more and more people were showing up to give sperm instead of blood.




THE MORTGAGE MELTDOWN CONTINUES
IndyMac, the nation's second largest mortgage company, laid off 3,400 employees yesterday due to continued lost revenue. IndyMac said due to the current economic situation, they hope their new product will take off....Financing homeless shelters.




LIFE'S A BEACH
In what seemed like a scene from a movie, a British woman decided to divorce her newly wed hubby, for the bartender who served drinks at her wedding in Cuba . Sources say it's due to the fact the bartender was leaving three tracks in the sand.



THE NEW BARTER SYSTEM
In Fort Wright , Kentucky , police caught prostitutes in a sting, selling their bodies for gas cards. Wow, so now I guess you can get screwed twice at the pump.

Police became suspicious after noticing one prostitute’s slogan, “Ass, Gas, or Grass! Because NO ONE rides for free!”

A BALDWIN WE CAN BELIEVE IN
Stephen Baldwin said he would leave the country if Barack Obama becomes president.
This all but certainly guarantees Obama a victory come November.

Hollywood was rather concerned about this until they realized Stephen Baldwin is about as relevant as the beta max and members only jackets.




CHAMP AGAIN
Joey Chestnut achieved hot dog immortality on July 4th, out-eating Japanese rival Kobiyashi in the annual Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest. Chestnut downed so many wieners, he also received the "Paris Hilton Award."




THE U.S. AND DRUGS
A study says The U.S. is the top drug using country in the world. The number one reason for this? Rush Limbaugh just signed a new contract to continue his show through 2016.




JUICY SEEDLESS LOVE
A new report shows ingredients found in the flesh and rind of watermelons deliver Viagra-Like effects. This report was brought to you by the National Watermelon Growers Council.

By the way, if you experience an erection lasting for more than 4 hours after eating watermelon, please consult your local farmer-cy.




IT'S A GIRL!!!
Thomas Beatie, the so-called "pregnant man," gave birth Sunday to a healthy baby girl. I’m going to assume this baby will probably be bottle fed.

MADONNA & A-ROD?
New reports say Madonna is having an affair with New York Yankees star Alex Rodriguez. She should take advantage of the affair right now because when October rolls around, we all know A-Rod can't perform.





BILL & BARACK'S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE
Bill Clinton said he and Barack Obama had a, "terrific conversation" on the phone this week. Clinton said the convo went smooth once they started talking about Hillary's kankles.





SOUL FOR SALE
A New Zealand man has put his soul up for auction to the highest bidder on the country's local auction website. This isn’t anything new. The entire Bush administration sold it’s soul to the Devil years ago.





PARTY CRASHER
An intoxicated 74 yr old Norwalk, CA woman accidentally plowed her car through the front window of a convenient store, then calmly got out of the car and tried to buy a six-pack of beer. The woman could be overheard telling the cashier, “Hey, I'm not as think as you drunk I am.”





FREE JOGGING
A Lincoln, Neb., man was charged with indecent exposure this week for running on a bike trail wearing nothing but a thong. During the hearing, his attorney said, "If the thong fits, you must acquit!!" Which prompted the District Attorney to respond by saying, "It can't be long if it fits in thong!!"

PREDATOR CANCELLED
NBC has cancelled the show "To catch a Predator." Leaving perverts everywhere to have to resort to watching the upcoming Olympics broadcast of female gymnastics.




HIGHER LEARNING
Half of Americans say U.S. schools are doing a poor job preparing kids for college and the work force. The other half were out of work high school dropouts and who couldn’t read the survey.




PISTOL WHIPPED
Last week, the U.S. Supreme Court lifted the ban on handguns in Washington D.C. Since then, a record number of Congressman have been suspiciously absent from the Capitol.



WE'LL LEAVE THE LIGHT ON FOR YA
A new study finds that 25% of all hotel rooms have some type of bed bugs. Coincidentally, these are the same hotel rooms where Paris Hilton stayed.



MANDELA IS TRULY FREE
The US has finally removed Nelson Mandela from a three-decade old immigration watch list for possible terrorists. This may have been pre-mature as reports of Mandela threatening airport security with his Nobel Peace Prize have just surfaced.

And really…Nelson Mandela on the Terrorist Watch List is like having George W. Bush on the Mensa List. Just doesn’t make sense now does it?