DON'T GIVE A RAT'S ASS
Over the weekend, a pest-removal company trapped and removed 788 rats from an infested house in Sutherland, Oregon. No police report was filed after they learned it was just President Bush holding a cabinet meeting.

Later it was discovered the house was owned by the Piped Piper but unfortunately, he had been recently foreclosed on and evicted.



HAPPY FATHER'S DAY
Yesterday was Father’s Day. Or as 60% of the kids in America call it, “Mother’s Day.”



IT'S INCREDIBLE AT THE BOX OFFICE
The “Incredible Hulk” took top spot at the box office this weekend by bringing in $54 million. For those who don’t know, after taking a foreign substance, Dr. Banner turns into a big green creature with unbelievable strength and anger. In other words, he could be the love child of Shrek and Barry Bonds.



I BELIEVE I CAN LIE
R. Kelly was acquitted Friday of all child molestation charges. He said he was so happy, he’s planning a tour with Michael Jackson. They’re calling it the “Tainted Love” tour.



A GIANT RETIREMENT
New York Giant Michael Strahan retired last week after 15 yrs in the NFL. Strahan said he wants to spend more time perfecting his new hobby of biting off the caps of beer bottles.

WHICH CANDIDATE KEEPS YOU PROTECTED?
The Practice Safe Policy website is now selling both John McCain and Barack Obama condoms. The label on the McCain condoms reads "old but not expired," while the Obama condom says "Hates Bush...and the President too."



CALLING IT QUITS
Ron Paul formally abandoned his campaign for the Republican presidential nomination on Thursday. Paul’s reasoning was he was tired of being the “irrelevant” candidate. Or as it’s more commonly known, “Hillaryosis.”



NBA HISTORY
The Boston Celtics made history last night by coming back from 24 points down and beating the Los Angeles Lakers, 97-91. This led to one reporter saying, "You don't even see chokes like that in the WWE."

In a related story, Shaquille O'Neil held a press conference on a navy ship with a banner behind him that read, "Mission Accomplished."



TAINTED LOVE
A new report out states 1 out of every 4 New York citizens has herpes. In order not to skew the results, no New York Governors were included.

The report also shows there is a very popular website where people with herpes can go online, and hook-up for dates. It's called "MySpace."

OPRAH IS BACK ON TOP
Talk show host Oprah Winfrey is the world's most powerful celebrity for the second straight year as she tops the Forbes Celebrity 100 Power List. This news should help sales of her autobiography, "The Incredible Hulk," which hits theaters tomorrow.




SPIKE-WOOD SPAT
Spike Lee is criticizing Clint Eastwood for having no Black people in his two recent war movies. Eastwood responded by saying, "There WERE black people in the movies. They were killed in the opening scene. When the Army Capt. yelled out, 'Incoming, GET DOWN!' the Black people immediately started to dance and were promptly shot."




AFFAIRS OF THE HEART
Actress Gina Gershon broke her silence and spoke out about the Vanity Fair article that suggested she had an affair with Pres. Bill Clinton. Gershon said there is no way Clinton would even look at her twice due to the fact she doesn't eat out of a trough.



KING OF REHAB
Rodney King, the man whose beating by police sparked the 1992 LA riots, was among the new faces checking into VH1's "Celebrity Rehab" yesterday. On his first day, King broke up a fight by uttering his now famous words, "Can we all just get a bong?"




GIVE IT UP TO THE DOG POUND
Arsenio Hall has been named host of MyNetworkTV's new comedic clip show, "Funniest Moments Ever." Ironically, NONE of Arsenio’s clips will actually be IN the show.

EVERYTHING'S IM-PEACHY KEAN
U.S. Rep. Dennis Kucinich said Monday he wants Congress to consider a resolution to impeach President George W. Bush. After laughing profusely, the House Republicans poked fun at Kucinich by saying he looked like the stunt double for Bill Bo Baggins.




I OBJECT
A judge halted a drug conspiracy trial Tuesday after some jurors were found to have been playing the puzzle game Sudoku while evidence was being given. In a related story, police are now investigating the jurors of the O.J. trail hoping to find out exactly WHAT THE HELL they were playing.




FREE FALLING
Two men scaled the 52-story office tower of the New York Times Yesterday, then fell all the way back down to the ground safely. When asked why they fell down instead of using ropes, they said they wanted see how it felt to be George Bush’s approval rating.




THE ROYAL DEBT
Prince Charles just paid off a family debt incurred more than 350 years ago. Prince Charles said he found some old documents showing his ancestors still owed John McCain for deliveries he made to King Arthur.




HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD
A suburban Kansas City man accidentally fired a 2.5-inch nail into the top of his head, but says he now feels fine after a doctor removed it. I can imagine the operating room, “Place him on the workbench. I need a scalpel…clamp…vice…clawhammer. Ok, now duct tape the wound and we’re done.” When asked how the surgery went, the doctor replied, “Nailed it!!”

DON'T FORGET
Research pointed to a Dutch woman who reached 115 years of age and remained mentally sharp throughout life as proof Alzheimers doesn't effect everyone. She’s in the Guinness book of records as being the only person who could remember when John McCain was baptized….by John The Baptist.



GET THE LEAD OUT
Researchers say excessive exposure to lead can cause permanent brain damage that may even contribute criminal behavior. After hearing this report, building inspectors immediately condemned the White House.



THE SUPER DUPER STORE
Newsweek reports Wal-mart may be becoming too liberal in their willingness to do whatever it takes to please their customer. Most notably, Wal-Mart’s new slogan, “If we don’t have it, we’ve got underage Chinese kids in the basement who will make it for you while you wait.”



CELEBRATE TO DEATH
Elaine Fulps won a $10,000 paid funeral at Grand Prairie AirHogs minor league game. When asked how she felt about it, Fulps said, "This will be great if they game happens to go in to sudden death overtime."



HIP HIP HOORAY
A Cleveland-area principal says he was embarrassed when he learned the word “education” was misspelled on all his student’s diplomas. It was spelled “educaition.” What’s worse, the graduation was sponsored by “Hooked On Phonics.”

HILLARY ENDS...I MEAN SUSPENDS
Hillary Clinton endorsed Barack Obama and suspended her campaign on Saturday. Clinton said she only "suspended" her campaign just in case something happens to Obama which leads him to have to withdraw like a physical ailment, or he decides to just drop out, or God forbid, he decides to go bowling again.





BUBBA SPEAKS UP
Bill Clinton chimed in on the high gas prices saying something shady is going on with the oil companies. This led experts to say it's ironic when Bill Clinton complains about getting screwed.





MCCAIN UPSET AT HIS "BASE"
John McCain continued to complain about the press saying today's headlines are more about "show" than "facts." McCain said back in his day, the papers only reported facts. Like when he turned five, the headlines read, "Rome Burns: Nero nowhere to be found."




BUSH SAYS GOOD-BYE
President Bush begins his farewell trip to Europe this week by hitting several major countries. "And with any luck, this will actually be a farewell trip and Bush won't return." said EVERYONE.





THE JOKE'S ON YOU
A new airline called "Derrie-Air," which charged people by the pound, has been discovered to be a hoax. You think with the name "Derrie-Air" people would have known it was a scam. That's like making up a cable company and calling it "Time Warner." When will people learn?

A Crappy Dining Experience

At a new themed restaraunt in Taiwan, patrons sit on toilets for seats and eat food off covered sinks and bathtubs. The food is served in a mini-toilet bowls and drinks are served in mini-porta potties. To finish the atmosphere, toilet paper is provided in the place of napkins. "This isn't new. We've been doing that for years," said Jack in the Box.

Look At Those Puppies

Maxi Mounds, a Florida stripper, has set a record for the world’s largest augmented breast in the Guinness Book of World Records. She tipped the scales having a 36MM cup size with each breast weighing 20 lbs. She said the only bad thing is she had to cut holes in her matress just to sleep on her stomach.

Her children are easily recognizeable now. Not because their mom is famous, but because they are the only kids in school with stretch marks around their mouths.

We Are Family

Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton met in Washington DC last night to discuss campaign issues. The only thing they actually argued about was who had to leave the meeting early to take John McCain to his Bingo Night at the YMCA.

Job Cuts Keep Coming

The nation's unemployment rate jumped to 5.5% in May as employers cut 49,000 jobs. This was the biggest monthly increase since 1986. Final numbers indicate the majority of these lost jobs are due to the Clinton campaign.

Oh My Lord

Police reported thieves stole an 8-foot statue of Jesus off a crucifix at a Detroit church yesterday, possibly to sell some of the copper as scrap. When word got out in the community that the Messiah was missing, people said, "No he's not, he just won the Democratic Nomination for President."

Behind Bars Living Large

The luxurious lifestyle of a convict in Brazil has come to an abrupt end after police confiscated a plasma TV set, gym equipment, two pistols and cash worth $173,000 from his cell. "Well, I don't see the problem. That guy is a hero," said Wesley Snipes.

Back To Life

A Texas man was jailed for three years after he faked his own death in 1987 to escape his creditors and claim $243,600 in insurance money. In a related story, charges were dropped against Larry King seeing he actually HAS BEEN dead since 1987.

Bugging Out

Jane Clark, a Fox News employee, has sued the station over what she called, "Emotional distress due to a continuous and ongoing biting bedbug problem at work." Charges were later dropped once it was discovered the bedbugs were actually Bill O'Reilly and Karl Rove.

Ohhh The Humanity!

World leaders gathered in Italy this week for very important talks. Before the meeting, they dined on cheese mousse, parmesan risotto and lemon mousse with raspberry sauce, puff pastries with corn and mozzarella, pasta with pumpkin and shrimp, and rolls of thinly sliced veal accompanied by a chilled white wine. What's the irony of all this you ask....the meeting was to discuss world hunger. WTF!

We Have A Winner

The Wall Street Journal reports that Ed McMahon is $644,000 in arrears on his $4.8 million home in Beverly Hills, and now faces forclosure. McMahon said he found out when he received a letter in the mail from "The Publisher's Clear-Out-Your-House Sweepstakes."

Historic Occassion

Barack Obama made history last night by becoming the first African-American to capture a presidential nomination by any party. Obama said he learned one very valuable lesson in his journey through the primaries. To never, ever, ever go bowling again.

Ain't Over Til The First Lady Sings

Reports are Hillary Clinton is still hanging around the race because she wants Obama to pledge to pay for her campaign debt. I think Obama should say yes. Then, when she comes to pick up the check, he should be like, “Oh, I thought this was a pledge much like your ‘Michigan and Florida won’t count’ pledge.”

Dangerous

According to a report to be released by antivirus software McAfee Inc. the most dangerous domains to navigate are those ending in ".hk" (Hong Kong), ".cn" (China) and ".info" (information). The number one most dangerous site on the web… “www.GeorgeBushWasRightOnIraq.hk.cn.info”

For some reason, you can get into this website, BUT YOU CAN'T GET OUT!

Closed For Business

GMC is closing four truck and SUV plants in the U.S. and Canada due to high fuel prices. The plant in Tia Juana, Mexico will stay open due to the fact it doesn't take much gas to power a donkey.

It Ain't Over Yet

The Clinton campaign says Hillary will NOT concede the nomination to Barack Obama tonight, even though the race is basically over. She said she needs extra time to make up more stories about sniper fire, and possibly get the votes from American Idol to count for her.

Bill Can't Take It Anymore

Bill Clinton went on an angry tirade yesterday after coming to the realization that this will be the last day of the primaries. A reporter asked why he was so mad seeing the race was essentially over about a month ago. Bill responded, "Oh, I'm not mad about the race. I'm pissed off I'll have to be at home with Hillary from now on."

Once You Pop, You Can't Stop

Fredric J. Baur’s, the inventor of the Pringles can, past away yesterday and per his wishes, his ashes were buried in a Pringles can. One thing is for sure, he will definitely be kept fresh. Hopefully no one will say he died with a chip on his shoulder.

"Bolt"ing Across The Line

At the IAAF World Athletics Tour meeting in New York, Jamaica’s Usain Bolt set a new World record for the men’s 100m in a time of 9.72 seconds. Bolt said he wasn't even trying to set a record. It turns out, Bolt is a super-delegate and was just running away from Hillary Clinton.

Box Office Gold

"Sex and the City" raked in $55.7 million this weekend to become the biggest debut on record for a romantic comedy. The movie also became the biggest opening for any movie ever to have four GMILF's in the leading roles.

You've Got Mail

A new study shows that 20% of Americans have never used e-mail, and that 18% of Americans have no Internet access. Coincidently, these are the same people who just got "E.T." on beta-max.

Crackheads Unite

Actress Tatum O'Neal was arrested Sunday night outside her New York City pad after purchasing crack cocaine. What was even less shocking was the fact Whitney Houston was driving the getaway car.

Keep It In The Closet

The R.Kelly trial continued with the defense attorneys saying if you don't see a mole on the lower back of the man in the sex tape, then that man isn't R. Kelly. Channeling Johnny Cochran, the attorney said, "If a mole you don't see, then it wasn't R.Kelly's pee."

The Roof, The Roof, The Roof is on Fire!

A fire roared through part of Universal Studios film and TV studios on Sunday, damaging well-known movie sets and rides. Not to say this fire was set on purpose, but a $100 million insurance policy was just taken out Saturday by the movie "Speed Racer."